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"I can become a starting power forward in the NBA," five foot six inch Arnold G. Pataki '12 exclaimed after an eight minute stint in the men's bathroom. "I allowed my friends and family to talk me out of my childhood dream, but after this historic dump I think I have what it takes."
The experiences of many students in stall number three of Sayles's basement lavatory have been causing ripples. As one glances at the walls of said stall, it's not difficult to understand why. Between sketches of erect phalluses lie motivational words of wisdom that would bring a tear to your eye.
Harold Berman '11 walked into the stall not knowing exactly where his life was headed, but he walked out feeling physically and spiritually secure. "I thought 'Mine Looks like Bill Cosby' was kinda funny.but 'You're never too young to change the world' really hit home. I have decided to go abroad to rural Cambodia in the fall to help give medical care to impoverished youth. Who would've thought that one dingleberry would change my life so drastically?"
Phoebe Heyerdahl '12 had another emotional story to tell about her experience in the stall. "I was a bit hungry as I sat there, but I noticed a certain remark. Somebody had quoted Aristotle saying 'The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.' So I went to the Ratty and got a banana. It wasn't sweet.but I wasn't hungry anymore. So.thanks Aristotle."
For weeks the identity of the legendary bathroom scribe was a mystery. A few days ago, though, Gerald Johanssen '10 admitted that he penned "Not taking risks is the biggest risk of all," and "You can be a starting power forward in the NBA even if your friends talked you out of your childhood dream," plus a majority of the wall's other inspirational vignettes.
Johanssen is one of Brown University's Contemplative Studies concentrators. He began to scrawl his uplifting clichés thoughts during a break from his class, "Reflections on Your Own Inner Ponderings: a Study into Why and How We Think About What We Think About," a required course for Con-Studies concentrators.
When asked to explain why he chose to write so frequently and in this unorthodox location, he asked, "Do any of us really choose anything we do?" He then stared deeply into this reporter's eyes for eight full minutes before murmuring, "Hmm," and gazing away.
"In fact, thinking is a lot like the physical process of excretion," Johanssen mused. "You sit, you push and struggle and strain against your limitations, and all of a sudden, you're left with a beautiful end product whose pungent clarity wafts into the minds of your classmates. But, like feces, even the greatest of ideas must be flushed down the U-bend of mortality."
"In the end, like so many phenomena, it cannot be explained," Johanssen shrugged. "Sometimes when you're on the crapper you have an irresistible urge to write haikus about following your heart."
