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In a stunning turn of events, two members of the league-leading intramural kickball team, the Toucan Sams, have been suspended five games for steroid use. T.J. Dettweiler '11 and Ashley Spinelli '12 each tested positive for the banned substance nandrolone in a recent random drug test. The substance has been credited with improving kickball players' speed, enhancing agility, developing knuckleballs, and encouraging creativity in home run celebrations. Its use was prohibited after the kickball dominance of the world-renowned, ultra-muscular Nandro-lone Rangers in the fall of 2004. As a result of the positive tests, the Sams' three victories this year have been nullified.
Dettweiler and Spinelli were devastated by the results of this test. "Kickball is more than just a part of my life," Spinelli stammered out mid-mental breakdown. "The sport single-handedly defines who I am." Dettweiler shared her feelings, explaining, "I can skip sleep every once in a while, and eating meals is not always obligatory. Kickball, though? I don't think I can handle missing five kickball games."
The Intramural Kickball League's Commissioner Peter Prickly explained the harsh punishments: "The IKL has maintained high standards in sportsmanship since our founding fathers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark formed our association while playing kickball against a tribe of Shoshone Indians in North Dakota to win the services of Sacagawea. The actions of T.J. and Ashley are an affront to those standards, and I will not stand idly by as these students make a mockery of our traditional values."
An important question has arisen with regard to the IKL's record keeping. Does Dettweiler's historic single-season home run record of 23 now become 23 asterisk (*)? Pardon The Interruption's Tony Kornheiser addressed that issue recently. Kornheiser expressed his adamant belief that the asterisk must be added, saying, "The asterisk is completely necessary. Not only did Dettweiler disrespect his league, but he also insulted all six dedicated fans that watch the Toucan Sams every Wednesday night at eight, seven central, on ESPN2."
"I actually disagree with that Kornheiser guy," Mikey Blumberg '13 declared, "I don't want to see the career of one of kickball's immortal legends blemished by one mistake. Maybe instead of using a bold, intimidating *, we could try utilizing a question mark (?) or a pound sign (#)."
The one fact that everyone can agree upon in this otherwise controversial situation is that this event was an absolute shock. "I've followed T.J. and Spinelli since they were playing AAA ball. My dorm room walls are covered with Toucan Sams posters and bobbleheads. I even built a life-size shrine devoted to third-base coach Randall Weems that I kiss before bed each night. Those two positive tests are making me question everything that I consider holy," Toucan Sams Fan Club President Gretchen Grundler '10 said. The club's other member, Vince LaSalle '12, rehetorically questioned the two athletes, wondering, "Why hast thou forsaken me?"
Gus "El Diablo" Griswald '11, roommate and teammate of Dettweiler, seemed to be the only student who could find a silver lining. "I'm actually pleasantly surprised that T.J. was on the juice. All that injecting-this whole time I thought he was a heroin junkie."
