Partly Cloudy, 64°
Good morning, guests of the 2011 Innovation and Technology Conference here in beautiful Miami, Florida. My name is Randall Stephenson, and I'm the CEO of AT&T. Now I know what some of you are thinking: "I bet he's peeing his $10,000 limited-edition Armani pants right now, what with the recent release of the new Verizon iPhones." Well. Let me just say that those people who are thinking that thought are completely mistaken. I think that-
IS STEVE JOBS MAKING HORCRUXES OUT OF NEW VERIZON IPHONES?
Whoa, who said that? Was that someone in the audience? Hm … weird. Hadn't heard that. I don't think those things are even real so-
THEY'RE REAL NOW BECAUSE STEVE JOBS INVENTED THEM WITH MATH.
Who keeps shouting things? Would you cut it out, please? Anyway. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by someone who is not me, AT&T is a strong and stable company that has a special relationship with Apple that no other service provider can match. As you may know from our new commercials, only on AT&T can iPhone users browse the Internet AND make calls at the SAME TIME. Which is a pretty big advantage if you ask-
VERIZON IPHONES GIVE YOU PORN ADDICTION.
Excuse me? Who said that? Can we take care of that please? Security? I think it was that guy. Yeah, the bald one. No not that one. No not that one. Yes, the guy with the Ed Hardy sweatshirt. Shame on you, sir. I've never heard anything so ridiculous. And I would like to take this moment to clear the air and say that Verizon and AT&T aren't playing the competing polygamist sister-wives of Apple, à la "Big Love." What a silly-
"VERIZON IPHONES RUINED MY LIFE." - LL COOL J
Okay, come on. Can we knock it off? Jeez Louise, LL Cool J? Really? As far as I know, that quotation is totally unfounded. Security! Get these rabble-rousers out of here. I'm trying to reinforce the civility with which AT&T is accepting this new member of the iPhone team. We're really seeing Verizon as a partner, not an enemy, so there's no reason to-
"VERIZON IPHONES ARE MY FAVORITE." - OSAMA BIN LADEN
Enough! I've had it. What are you guys - three years old? I bet Osama Bin Laden doesn't even have an iPhone. Listen, I know a lot of you are upset, so you've resorted to spreading rumors about Verizon iPhones. I get it, okay? You're afraid AT&T won't survive competition with Verizon now that they too offer the iPhone, but I think it's important to remember that-
VERIZON IPHONES NAZI HITLER FASCIST SOCIALIST NAZI CHARLIE SHEEN
I'm sorry, gentlemen, but it appears that a few amongst you are intent on ruining this conference for the rest. I'm ashamed of those gossipers who are using inflamed speech to discredit the reputation of Verizon iPhones, which is a perfectly legitimate brand-
FOR BABIES.
Okay. I'm afraid I cannot continue in light of such hostile behavior on your part. Charlie Sheen is a sick man and in no way affiliated with Verizon iPhones. Nor is Hitler or any fascist figure or ideology. At least not to my current knowledge. Hm … kinda makes you wonder though …
