Locals will no longer be performing the twist, bop, or jive at Johnny Rockets if current trends continues.
Johnny Rockets, the 50s-themed international burger chain, announced record losses in the first quarter of 2007, citing free jukebox nickels as the cause. The restaurants hand out nickels to patrons so that they can play their favorite hits from the 50s and 60s.
According to a recent report released by the franchise itself, free nickels account for the majority the company's expenditures, followed by meat, buns, cleaning supplies, and employee salaries.
Michael Barrows, a Providence native and manager of the Thayer Street location, was clearly dismayed by the situation.
"I just don't understand how this is possible. We only give out about 600 nickels to each customer, as per regulations. Headquarters makes sure we have a steady supply of nickels because if the music stops, then the customers will stop coming. You think people come for the burgers?"
Barrows also expressed his concerns about foul play by the franchise heads that, according to Barrows, "must've seen this thing coming a mile away like a freight train full of beer. Very, cold, frothy beer. You just don't miss these things."
Rumors of insider trading are circulating and the federal government is performing an inspection of the corporation. Owner Dan Snyder is under investigation for "being so effing rich, my God," according to a statement released by the SEC.
Chief Inspector Lee Everett, head of the investigation and regular Johnny Rockets customer, declined to be interviewed, but did ask, "How do you explain all the big wigs of the company trading their stock for nickels?"
Neither the profit nor the insider trading rumors have troubled local Johnny Rockets busboy Juan Richter, despite the fact that he faces unemployment should the restaurant go bankrupt.
"To be honest with you," said Richter, "I love Van Morrison as much as the next guy. He's great, good voice, good sound, but I could do without my job if it means I never have to listen to Brown Eyed Girl another God-damn time."