Partly Cloudy, 64°
Students across campus cower in fear of an insidious monster who threatens every facet of humor, from irony to slapstick. Like a bright flower scorched to ashes by a flash fire, great points of comedy instantly fall flat at this man's feet. This mysterious figure is known only as the Joke Assassin.
According to reports, the Joke Assassin struck twice last Tuesday, leaving at least ten students in total devastation for a number of awkwardly quiet seconds. The incident reportedly took place at the Sharpe Refectory at roughly 11:30 a.m. While eating lunch with his friends, Alex Wildmen '12 initiated a series of jokes concerning Perkins and its considerable distance from the center of campus. Brian Wilson '12 mentioned that he has to "set [his] watch to central-time" whenever he walks over. John Strugman '12 retorted, "I'm sorry, it seemed like you were suggesting that Perkins is only one time zone away. We all know it's at least in Mountain time." The humor was still young, though, when out of a dark corner came the notorious Joke Assassin with the line, "Yeah, more like Perkins is on the other side of the universe! Am I right, fellas?" He then added with accompanying hand gesture, "Pow! Pow!" and disappeared back into the darkness.
The Joke Assassin left Wildmen filled with anger. "I was so pissed. Like, there's nowhere to go from there. Once you've made the universe joke, the thing is dead. The asshole just accelerated the joke way too quickly." He continued, eyes filled with regret, "And I had this awesome Oregon Trial reference all lined up. Now I've lost my chance. It's the one that got away."
The second incident occurred at 3:54 p.m. in the Barbour Hall dorm room of Dylan Banks '11 and Ryan Phillips '11. Banks was explaining how he went to a professor's office hours, only to discover that she was not coming, when the Joke Assassin burst forth from their closet and declared, "She would have been COMING if I went! You know what I'm saying? Hey-oh!" Before fleeing the scene, he added, "Pow! Pow!"
Banks was offended by the attack. "I don't appreciate such vulgar talk concerning respectable women. And, furthermore, that guy isn't even Carol's type. I mean, Professor Jennings."
The identity of the Joke Assassin remains unknown. Eyewitnesses describe him as a tallish-shortish man, with darkish-whitish skin and a smallish-largish build. A strike can occur at any time and place. Experts advise that if you are attacked, do not try to fight or detain the Joke Assassin. Instead, brace yourself and ride it through.
Wait. Wait a second. Oh. Oh no. I hear footsteps. They're lightly padding down the hall outside my room. They are. coming closer, ever closer. It could be nothing. It is probably nothing. I will check simply to make sure.
Oh God.
It's him. He's coming. I've locked the door and turned off the lights, but it may be too late. I might have much ti-YEAH, MORE LIKE HE SHOOTS JOKES IN THE FACE AND LIGHTS THEM ON FIRE! AM I RIGHT?
POW! POW!
