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The Brown Noser

Kenyan Runner Reaches End of Universe, Light Comes in Close Second

Published Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

The third annual Universe Marathon in memory of Planet Pluto was held this weekend, and for the first time in history, a competitor has actually reached the coveted "end of universe" mark. Kiraitu Murungi, a 25-year-old runner from Kakamega, Kenya, was first to finish the 12 billion light-year race (approximately twice the distance to Perkins), in a record 1.06&#215;10<sup>11</sup> hours.

Though the weekend proved to be an enormous success, it did not come without scandal and controversy. "It was crazy," recalls Bo Jackson, marathon official, "two hours into the race, Rosie O'Donnell was disqualified for steroid abuse after she was spotted swallowing Barry Bonds whole." "Moments later," he adds, "Captain James T. Kirk was ousted from the competition for attempting to hitch a ride to the finish line onboard the Starship Enterprise."

The subject of every cocktail-party conversation in the solar system had more to do, though, with the surprising success of underdog Kiraitu Murungi over the much anticipated marathon favorite, Light.

Astrophysicist and power-walking enthusiast Albert Newton describes utter disbelief. "Though demonstrating an impressive four-minute-mile average," he says, "Murungi's performance still seemed a tad lacking in comparison to Light's 300,000 km/sec average speed, in vacuum and in all inertial frames."

Moreover, several photos found of the Kenyan stopping mid-race at the Starbucks on the corner of Milky Way and Andromeda galaxy did little to help his credibility. Runner's World senior sports writer Jessie Davidson has even gone as far as to accuse the Kenyan of "repeating the acts of Rosie Ruiz, who in 1980 had won the Boston Marathon after taking the subway." It goes without saying that the dangling metro card alongside Murungi's Grande Venti Peppermint Java Chip Frappuccino did not really help his case, either.

Unfortunately, attempts made by Brown Noser staff to contact Mr. Murungi for his accounts of the race were unsuccessful, as the Kenyan insisted on communicating using peculiar clicking sounds. Similar efforts for exchange with Light resulted in an unfortunate epilepsy attack accompanied by third-degree-burns.

All in all, however, controversies, hardships, restraining orders, and the MIT physicists still looking into how Murungi managed to fit 1.06&#215;10<sup>11</sup> hours into one weekend aside, it was easy to spot the thrill and enthusiasm in the eyes of the vibrant spectators, who are undoubtedly excited for the commencement of next year's Universe Marathon.

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