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Prospect & Meeting recently revealed that the magic behind its dating service was not a highly sophisticated digital e-mail cross-reference love detector (as was popularly believed) but rather the female students of Mrs. Riccobono's fourth-grade classroom at Woonsocket Elementary. For two hours a day, the gaggle of girls is allowed access to computers which contain all the secret desires of Brown's student body. Using a mixture of whispers, secret notes, screaming, code words, and sing-song teasing, they discover which students may have romance in their future.
In the server room, or "Squee Chamber," P&M supervisors wear ear protection to guard against the high volume of giggles, shrieks, and pop lyrics. The girls exchange information at a frenzied pace, juggling souls like so many ladybug barrettes.
"Kimmie! Guess what, guess what! Another girl says she likes Tyler!"
"Ewww, he has a moustache and wears funny pants! What's wrong with these Brown girls?"
"I DON'T KNOW!!!"
In this case, Kimmie and Stephanie followed standard procedure: Whenever two women list the same man, their Facebook profiles are searched for any information regarding each woman's favorite Jonas brother. The undergrad that has selected correctly is awarded the male, while the other is blacklisted for life. So far, they have successfully matched over fifty different couples.
At the behest of their teacher, the P&M staff assured the girls that each and every pair got married in a house of God before holding hands, and definitely did not just bang.
One lab technician admitted that there are still some issues with the new system. "They've been known to engage in social experiments and rogue genetic determinism in an effort to produce 'cute babies.' Oh, and they still reject all fat girls as a matter of policy. But we're hoping that will get better over time."
Despite a few hiccups, the efficiency and skill of the 4th graders has garnered praise and envy from the web dating community. The director of eHarmony.com-which has been employing gypsy soothsayers for years-conceded the brilliance of P&M's methods. "While we must actually pay our Bedouin sorceresses, P&M matchmakers function on little more than a steady supply of ice cream and animal crackers." Match.com CEO Greg Blatt acknowledged that P&M "Puts our army of nagging Jewish mothers to shame."
The P&M staff revealed to us that the use of Mrs. Riccobono's class was the result of a long development process. "We originally tried seventh graders, but they just divided our customers into 'sluts' and 'losers.' Second graders thought the whole affair was icky."
"The worst was when we tried high school freshmen," admitted a staff member who wished to remain anonymous. "Let's just say that Chris Hansen had a field day."
Fourth graders, however, proved to have just the right mixture of gossippiness, nosiness, and utter disregard for privacy. In fact, the little girls recently announced that they will use clients' birthdays to determine the number and gender of any children the couples will produce in the event that they do get married.
