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At the start of this semester, Modern Culture and Media concentrator Victor Skrovan '11 was invigorated by the prospect of starting his own student-run film society. He had procured all the necessary signatures and quickly received approval from the Undergraduate Council of Students. Everything was ready for his "Let's Watch Porn Together" club to take off.
"I had been waiting a long time to do something like this," said Skrovan as he projected a distractingly vocal pornographic film onto all four walls of his New Dorm suite. "Porn has been a lifelong passion of mine, and I wanted to share that passion with the world."
"Pound my tight little snatch you Norse conquerors," added pornographic actress Jenna Haze as she was double-teamed by two midgets in full Viking garb.
Skrovan considers himself "a serious student of Porn." He has been rigorously studying pornography since age eleven and regards it as "a veritable treasure trove for dissecting the socioeconomic and cultural landscape of a given time and place."
"You see that right there?" Skrovan asked as he pointed to the two midgets wearing Viking helmets with purple dildos in place of the traditional horns. "That's called a Leif Ericson. A hard maneuver to pull off, but it really says a lot about the imperialistic expansion of the Nordic people within the Western Hemisphere. Don't you think?"
Despite Skrovan's bulging passion and a series of tableslips featuring various porn icons performing the "Senegalese Sock Hop", membership for the club has been consistently declining.
Twenty students showed up to the inaugural meeting.
"I went to the first meeting," said Gender Studies concentrator Lara Royalle '12. "I thought it was going to be an interesting exploration of the body and the gender politics of pornography. But it was just three hours of relentless, hardcore porn. I mean the look in those poor girls' eyes. It's like they're crying out for you to save them. It's heartbreaking."
"You know some people get off on the heartbreak," said Skrovan as he stared deeply into Ms. Haze's cold, desperate eyes as she slowly and sensually removed the little Vikings' chainmail.
Yet, by the third and most recent club meeting, attendance had dwindled to four members.
"I actually just went last week 'cause my Internet was down," admitted Harry Hardon '13. "I don't think watching porn with three other dudes is going to become a common occurrence for me."
Apart from Skrovan, the other attendees also admitted that their Internet connections were down that particular evening.
"I just don't get it," said Skrovan. "We watch all the classics: Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas and even Viking Sluts 9: Midget Vikings from Planet Poon. But still, hardly anyone shows up. I don't understand why people have such trouble appreciating porn for the art form it truly is."
Recently, Skrovan has attempted to jump-start attendance by way of certain promotions. "At next week's meeting, I'll be giving out a bunch of Viagra I got from Mexico to everyone who shows up," said Skrovan as he popped a little blue pill. "You should come. We're watching what's arguably Skeeter Sinn's magnum opus in which these twelve German dudes gangbang this one French chick. It's a really insightful World War II metaphor. Plus, Mexican Viagra makes your dick hard for like six hours. We're going to learn a lot."
