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The Brown Concert Agency has released a statement of apology in response to the student body's outcry against the alarmingly heteronormal agenda of Spring Weekend 2009's headline act, "Of Montreal."
Brown's LGBTQ community led the complaint that the non-provocative group failed to meet sufficiently Brown's lofty standards for needlessly inflammatory sexual expression. In its apology, the BCA stressed its commitment to finding "much gayer" bands for Spring Weekend 2010.
Brown University prides itself on its mission to encourage tolerance and empowerment of the homosexual community through frequent events, active campus groups, and the implementation of ridiculously contrived, politically correct jargon. Many Brown students were unable to believe that the University settled for such a non-provocative group in the face of its progressive mandate.
Witnesses at last year's show recalled how band members' theatrics during musical breaks, which featured pigs, vacuum cleaners, and half-naked men engaging in pseudo-sexual role playing, clearly glorified and supported the enduring superiority of heterosexual mores in contemporary society. According to Queer Alliance representative Lance Michaels '11, simply by virtue of their normalcy, Of Montreal's performance "probably single-handedly set the Gay Rights movement back by about 65 years."
Conservative talk show host Bill O'Reilly recently praised Brown for its choice of "such a wholesome, encouraging performance." O'Reilly expressed his sincere hope that the University would continue to feature bands that can "serve as such an inspiring testimony for family values" and "set a model standard for our nation's children."
The upcoming Spring Weekend promises to be big, and with a boost in its budget to mark the 50th anniversary of the beloved tradition, the BCA will likely be able to follow through on its word and attract some of the gayest bands of all time. In fact, it is rumored the Concert Agency is presently negotiating with the Fray and with That Purple Teletubby.
Additionally, the BCA is considering recent allegations that bands such as NaS were simply not douchée enough for an institution of our caliber, and therefore could potentially look to Kanye West to headline the weekend.
