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In an effort to gain the youth vote and dismiss his critics' claims that he is out of touch, Republican Presidential Candidate Sen. John McCain of Arizona has challenged his Democratic rival, Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois, to a "rap-battle" debate on the evening of Nov. 3.
Reporters suspected that something big was happening when McCain showed up in a Kangol sweatsuit and Timberland shoes at a press conference in Florida. As he approached the stage, McCain appeared to be in some physical discomfort, pausing to ask an aide to help him raise his pants and tuck in his untied laces.
In a move that has become familiar from the McCain-Palin campaign, McCain began the press conference by questioning Obama's experience and the media's treatment of his own record. Telling reporters that they would better serve the American people if they asked Obama more often, "Whatcha know about dat?" Looking directly into the camera, McCain insisted, "I know all about dat."
McCain continued, reading from a note card, "I'm here today, not to suspend my campaign, but to suspend ya disbelief." The press corps laughed, somewhat uncomfortably, until McCain silenced the group, saying angrily, "I ain't playin' wit you."
Asked whether the format would distract viewers from getting answers to pressing economic questions, McCain claimed that a rap battle would serve all purposes. "America would be a better place if it gave its lyricists more respect," said McCain, who continued, "Notorious B.I.G.'s song, 'Mo Money Mo Problems' actually predicted our current economic crisis."
As McCain neared the end of his speech, a heavily-modified tour bus pulled up outside. Reporters scrambled to take pictures of the bus, whose graffiti-style subtitle read "Straight Talk Express'," and whose wheels appeared to spin even after the vehicle had stopped.
Later in the day, Vice Presidential Candidate Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska took credit for the idea, saying it came to her after watching 8 Mile and Bullworth won a flight from Alaska to Florida. "I mean, here's this underdog, this white guy named Rabbit. No one expects him to win; he's throwing up his mom's spaghetti, but he's shaking up the rap establishment. He's a maverick, just like John." Palin also suggested that the rap-battle format would please Detroit residents, who are largely divided about the McCain-Palin campaign's recent withdrawal from Michigan.
When pressed for comment, McCain's 95-year-old mother, Roberta McCain, said that she "thinks this is just a phase," and "hopes that when John says that he is on the high now, that he means that he is healthy and treating Cindy well."
In unrelated news, Timberland and Kangol stocks both plummeted nearly 50%.
