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Last weekend, the Dartmouth baseball team faced off against Brown in one of the final games of the season. Brown managed to win the game, despite their inability to score early on.
Coaches and teammates alike credit the program's recent success to a new team policy mandating that all players attend M-Sex, Brown's weekly male sexuality workshop.
"Before M-Sex, the players had no chemistry between them, but lately, they've really started bonding on and off the field," said Head Coach and M-Sex instructor Marek Drabinski. Their increased bondage is well reflected in the strong give-and-take relationship between the Pitcher and Catcher, Patrick Fitzgerald '08 and Gerald Fitzpatrick '09.
"We were excited to go play at Dartmouth," said Fitzpatrick. "We'd heard about what happens to sheep in Hanover, and were really interested in discussing it with the players. We had just gone over that sort of thing in class." Unfortunately, members of the Dartmouth team were unavailable for comment.
Dartmouth took advantage of Brown's starting pitcher by hitting a three-run long ball in the second. In the next at bat, Dartmouth's center fielder sprayed a hit to left field, nearly catching Fitzgerald in the eye, but he couldn't get past first base. On the next pitch, the base runner attempted to steal second, but was denied his chance to grab the bag when he was tagged out.
"Coach always told us to keep them from getting into scoring position, especially when they are up for the first time," remarked Brown's second baseman about the tag.
The only bit of action in the next few innings was caused by a wild ball from Dartmouth, nailing Brown's youngest player in the behind. The benches cleared, but instead of a brawl, Brown's newly M-Sex-reformed team stood up and embraced their violated teammate.
As a tribute to M-Sex, instead of singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" in the seventh inning, people were asked to sing Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" as a way to promote male sexuality and body acceptance. Meanwhile venders offered a variety of condoms, lubricant, and hotdogs throughout the game.
In the top of the ninth, Brown managed to get two men on after a series of balls from Dartmouth's closer. Star slugging First Baseman Kevin Andrews '10, choking up on his trusty bat, tied the game with a single, powerful stroke. Dartmouth's failure to seal the deal in the bottom of the ninth sent the game into extra innings.
In the tenth, Brown caught Dartmouth with their pants around their ankles to complete their come from behind victory. Immediately getting on third, the sneaky and smooth Matt Tripp '11 went right in headfirst and stole home. In the bottom half, Dartmouth's first batter grounded out, unable to get it up. The second was anxious, released too early, and struck out. The final batter, distracted by Brown's Daisy Dukes-clad batboy, went down looking.
After the game, Coach Drabinski commented, "We've really been working on our stamina, and it showed in this game. Dartmouth played hard and managed to pin us under them early on. We stuck to it though and when Dartmouth got tired, we got on top. In all of my years coaching at Brown, I've never seen so many climaxes in a single game. Well- it's off to the showers!"
