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NASA Director Robert Johnson made a formal address Tuesday describing the "dark, cold, endless void in [his] chest where [his] heart previously was". "I speak on behalf of the entire administration when I say with great despondence that outer space just isn't the same without communists," Johnson stated at a press conference held earlier this week.
"That great expanse of stars does not seem as bright as they once did," he lamented. "I know that space is far from warm, but I swear now it seems colder than ever before." He added, "A vacuum has never been so empty."
Johnson spoke of the deep nostalgia that he and all others at NASA feel. "We yearn for the days of Khrushchev and Brezhnev. Back then we felt as if we were accomplishing something. We had a reason to get up in the morning. Now we awake with an overwhelming ennui, often unable to even get out of bed."
Staring down at his podium, Johnson then muttered, "We just don't know anymore."
He elaborated on their utter lack of motivation. "Don't you wonder why we've made so many blunders in the past few years? I mean we can't even get a heat shield right. A heat shield, for Christ's sake! It's because there's just no drive anymore."
Johnson continued, "I'm not sure if you can grasp this. It truly was a space race. The Soviets kept us on our toes. They put the first man in space. And Sputnik 2? They put a freaking dog in it. Oh, those sweet, dirty Russians." Johnson spoke of the political implications. "We really felt as if freedom was at stake. If we didn't succeed, godless communism would prevail. Now all that hangs in the balance are the lives of the astronauts."
Concluding his statement, Johnson became "misty-eyed" and looked far off into the distance. Faint hints of a smile crept onto his face. "There was a time when space exploration meant something more," he said. "There was a time when we were heroes. There was a time.well.there was a time."
After the speech, Johnson opened up the floor for questions. In response to one concerning China and its developing space program, Johnson stated resolutely, "Fuck the Chinese. They can't hold a candle to the Rooskies."
