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A new study led by Professor of Psychology Carol Whitford has determined that dogs are better than cats. And if you disagree, it's not like anyone's forcing you to read this, so you can just stop reading now.
According to the abstract, the study began with Professor Whitford's divorce from Associate Professor of Neuroscience Ian Jameson, who immediately claimed custody of the couple's prized feline, Snowball, leaving Whitford with their furniture-devouring dog, Buster. Whitford then embarked on a rigorous scientific study to determine which was better: the cat or the dog. And her methods are just too complex for you to understand, okay? So stop pretending you know anything about animal behavior just because you made your cat look in a mirror once and pretended it was an "experiment" for 8th grade science class.
Whitford's scientific findings soon convinced her that Buster was actually the superior animal. In her article, she cites reasons for the canine's superiority that include its size, protective instincts, and social nature. And if you think that Professor Whitford's study lacks quantitative evidence, you can just go fuck yourself, because Professor Whitford knows what she feels and doesn't need any peer-reviewed scientific magazine to validate her emotions.
Whitford asserts that the primary advantage of the dog is its size. The canine largesse allows the dog to more effectively defend its owners in dangerous situations. For instance, if an ex-husband shows up at your door, your dog will be able to maul him. What, you don't think that's "evidence" that dogs are superior? Well, who has the Ph.D. in Animal Behavior, you or Carol Whitford?
The study also determined that dogs made better companions than cats. Whereas cats, like cheating husbands, were found to engage in aloof behavior, dogs were friendlier, more gregarious and inspired greater feelings of happiness in their human owners. And don't think that just because you took CLPS0900: "Quantitative Methods in Psychology" you're qualified to question Carol Whitford's research. Because guess who taught that course? Yeah, that's right. Carol Whitford.
Professor Whitford doesn't want to hear your stupid complaints about how her study lacks quantifiable results, especially not if you're a man, because then all you want is sex, anyway. Carol Whitford is an independent woman who doesn't need a man's approval, or a ring around her finger, to feel good about herself. In fact, she pawned both her wedding and engagement rings to fund her extremely controversial "Cat vs. Dog: Which Is Better?" study. Research funds were spent on such essentials as Ben & Jerry's ice cream, "The Office: Season Two" on DVD and a good divorce lawyer.
Ex-husband Professor Jameson has expressed the intention to conduct a counter-study disproving his former wife's conclusion, tentatively titled, "Psychology Is Not Even A Science, OK? Also, I Only Started Sleeping With That Other Woman After I Told You I Was Moving Out."
