The next member of the Saw horror series will feature a torture sequence consisting of watching all four previous Saw films in succession. This, says screenwriter Alan Radish, will "bring the Saw series to new areas of horror never before explored in Hollywood."

For those who are unfamiliar with the series, the Saw franchise is based on the threadbare plot of a psychopathic killer, named Jigsaw, who forces people guilty of meager crimes to inflict hideous torture upon themselves in order to learn from their misdeeds and change their ways. Unfortunately, this insipid Protestant reform ethic can no longer twist itself to accommodate the savagery of the contemporary horror genre, so instead, the film eroticizes gore for ninety minutes in a series of graphic torture sequences.

Despite the uplifting intentions of the filmmakers, the self-righteous philosophical undertones are so mundane and the gratuitous violence is so pointless that the films are complete and utter
shit.

Fortunately, this shittiness is what the producers will capitalize on in the next film. Radish, who also wrote <i>Saw III</i>, Saw IV, and co-wrote <i>Saw II</i>, told The Noser, "We were thinking in the writers' room, 'What could be scarier than all of the sequences in all of the previous <i>Saw</i> movies? What could be more horrifying than digging out your own eye to save yourself, like that guy in <i>Saw II</i>?"

Radish sat back and crossed his arms, a smug smile on his face. "Watching this crap for six straight hours. again."

He then added, "We expect the audience will dig their own eyes out by the end of it. That's how high <i>Saw</i> is setting the bar for horror nowadays."

<i>Saw V</i> will be released, in the series's tradition, the Friday before Halloween. To ensure its shittiness, <i>Saw V</i> will also be directed by Uwe Boll, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, and will star Josh Hartnett, Jessica Biel, and Dane Cook.

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