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The results of a new study published Friday in Men's Health links popular beer Natural Ice with an array of sexual dysfunctions, including premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction.
The 10-year study, conducted by the Ned Orbach Center for United Medicine, chronicles the sexual dysfunction and subsequent social humiliation suffered by a group of self-proclaimed "hard partying bros" from the Dartmouth chapter of Theta Delta Chi fraternity.
Ned Orbach, Director of Research at NOCUM, commented, "It's a shame an entire generation of males now can't... ya know," raising his eyebrows suggestively.
"What was I supposed to do?" asked participant Harry Willits. "You can't expect us to hook up with those Dartmouth girls sober. But a couple of Natties later, that snaggle tooth and backne weren't so bad. We did what was necessary, man."
Of those who suffered physical side effects, nearly 100 percent also experienced impairments in psychological functioning, including an irrational obsession with phallic imagery and an inability to use public urinals.
"At best, this is a national crisis. A generation of children will be lost due to excesses in drunken debauchery among males ages 18-25. If you ask me, they got what's been coming to them all along. Who are the ladies gonna flock to now, eh?" questioned Orbach, stroking his flourishing mustache.
"Looks like old Neddy came out on top this time, boys."
