Partly Cloudy, 64°
A terrible misunderstanding led a number of well-qualified high school seniors to turn down Brown University's offer of admission. Following what they deemed to be an 'intolerant' encounter with one of Brown's most popular clubs, a number of high school seniors not yet prepared to be open about their homosexuality, as well as those who support them, have deemed that their tuition dollars will be going elsewhere.
The Brown Outing Club was a conspicuous presence on the Main Green as the ADOCH pre-frosh filed through to tour the campus. Several members had set up a so-called 'slack-line' on the main green while three more members manned a table, hoping to net a few enthusiastic high school seniors for a summer camping trip.
Chet Andrews, a closeted ADOCH attendee from conservative Utah, broke into a cold sweat upon seeing the giant 'Outing Club' sign set up in the main green. He immediately traced his steps back towards the Van Wickle gates, dialing his home number.
"Mom, Dad? I don't want to go to Brown.Why? I think I want to.Yeah, I want to go to Brigham Young University, so I can stay with Stacey [Chet's girlfriend of 5 years, who attributes his complete lack of physical interest in her as a sign of deep-rooted religious beliefs]."
Derek Conway, from Houston, Texas, found himself in a traveling herd of pre-frosh. His view of the Outing Club table was obscured by the backs of other pre-frosh eagerly asking each other "Where you from?" and "What do you think you're going to major in?" until he was mere feet away from the sign-up table. Derek had been questioning his heterosexuality for several months now, but he was unprepared to confront the issue in public. He felt a momentary jolt of terror as Katie Howe, the enthusiastic table volunteer, loudly proclaimed "We are the Brown Outing Club!"
He felt an enormous surge of relief when it occurred to him that 'outing' more likely referred to outdoor trips and adventures rather than the deplorable practice of revealing someone's homosexual tendencies against his or her will. His relief was short-lived. Upon seeing that Derek's keys were attached to his belt by means of a carabiner, BOC volunteer Katie Howe jumped up from the table in a bout of mistimed enthusiasm, pointed at Derek's belt, and shouted:
"You! Come into the woods and play with us!"
Thinking that Katie had managed to catch a glimpse of his Coldplay belt-buckle and immediately labeled him as a homosexual, Derek separated from the group, red-faced and indignant.
"I was brought to understand that Brown was a tolerant, welcoming community, especially with regards to homosexuality," Derek related to this reporter, concealing his carefully manicured hands in his pockets from a solicitous, apologetic Katie who hovered mere feet away. "For me, being tolerant means recognizing that some people are not prepared to be open with their sexual preferences. This is an important, individual decision-one not to be shouted for all to hear in the Main Green. I will be studying elsewhere, thank you very much."
Any ADOCH attendees who still harbored the belief that BOC was indeed an outdoor adventure club had grave doubts after Edgar J. Wellington III's brief but bombastic appearance at the BOC table. Edgar is a notoriously heterosexual student from Oxford who is spending a semester abroad at Brown. His inexplicable use of speech patterns typical of 19th century English gentry has managed to charm the pants off many a dame this past Spring. On this particular occasion, his outdated dialect lent credence to erroneous pre-frosh beliefs regarding the true mission of BOC.
"Oh hullo, capital weather, wot wot! Hello Kate! What larks we cut last weekend at Sigma Chi!" Edgar paused and eyed her lecherously. "That dress, darling, is utterly becoming on you. I do so hope it will becoming off you, shortly! Haw haw haw! Why, you put me all out of countenance. How now, what's this I see, is our next camping adventure in the sylvan glades of New Hampshire?!"
In a bout of wild excitement that attracted the attention of the nearby pre-frosh, Edgar shouted and hugged fellow BOC member David Kreutzberg, "I am so gay! I am so hopelessly, wildly gay!"
When later accosted and informed that his histrionics may have misled some as to the nature of the Outing Club, Edgar raised an insouciant eyebrow.
"Please sir, don't be absurd."
The Brown Outing Club was not the only Brown group to scare away confused ADOCH attendees: an exuberant public demonstration put on by Brown Mock Trial discouraged several high school seniors who had anticipated a prolific career dealing drugs on Brown's campus. RISD's infamous 'Zombie Night' parade, unforutnately scheduled on the first night of ADOCH, both terrorized several of the meeker pre-frosh into taking early flights back home and encouraged those high school seniors harboring an unhealthy fascination with sawed off shotguns and machetes to matriculate.
