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According to unqualified and conveniently anonymous sources, student Jake Dylan is exhibiting "odd behavior, which people do not normally exhibit, by virtue of its oddness." As a result, literally everyone on campus is talking about him. Reports also indicate that Dylan is a freshman, as it tends to be freshman in these sorts of quirky, uncommon situations.
Random students around campus agree with this opinion. "Oh my God, Jake?" asked Rachel Bison '14. "Like, that kid is so weird. I definitely would never even consider acting in such a manner."
"This is really out of left field," agreed Andrew Danielstein '11, who inexplicably knows Dylan personally. "I was having lunch with that guy the other day, and he just started being strange, peculiar even. He probably lives in Perkins." Danielstein added, "Because it's so far away and all."
Not everyone, however, is alienated by Dylan's eccentric habits and possibly unusual physical attributes. A stereotypical bro '12 commented, "Yo, I fucking love that guy." He promptly did a keg-stand and continued, "[use of brackets to convey journalistic form], you know?"
Carol Ling '14, a fellow resident of probably Perkins, has also taken a shine to Dylan. "I've obviously mistaken Jake's uncommon behavior for an indefinable quality of mystery, which I find appealing in members of the opposite sex, me being a heterosexual female of college age."
Reports further show that the nature of Dylan's eccentricities may not be unique, but in fact point to a larger, widespread issue. These reports also indicate that such a development would extend this article at least another paragraph. Professor Punname, faculty member of some vague and most likely incorrect department at Brown, is apparently an expert on this very specific topic. "My studies show that this is actually a grave problem facing our youth. However, I believe that it can be easily solved by implementing a course of one serious thing, another serious thing, and one completely outrageous thing."
Professor Punname continued, "I could see this being quite funny, though, to an uninvolved third party- say, someone reading about it in some semi-quarterly campus publication."
Added Punname: "It's surely a situation rife with comedy."
