Partly Cloudy, 64°
The Sciences Library is one of many buildings on the campus of Brown University that is renowned worldwide as a haven of safety and order. Last week, however, that order was turned upside down, then beaten with a club and shot in the kneecaps after a minor incident at the Oxford University Press led to near-cataclysmic consequences.
"A little booze can go a long way," was the only comment released to the press after Richard Wordsworth, editor-in-chief of the widely popular and English language standard Oxford's Dictionary, decided to redefine the word "decibel" in the new 2008 edition of the lexicon as: "n. d?s'?-b?l. 1. A horde of rabid or otherwise diseased Eskimos, be them Inuit or Yupik."
The SciLi at Brown has been hit the hardest by this foible, as signs in the basement displaying different numerical decibel amounts that were once meant to control volume levels have now attracted countless of our cuddly neighbors to the north.
"At first there were a few reports of these 'cute-looking teddy bear men' who were trying to cut holes in our floor and go fishing, which we sort of dismissed as your average Thayer riffraff who come wandering in here all the time," explained SciLi basement floor manager Oscar Lowel. "But over time. we started hearing complaints of a stench of raw Caribou emitting from the northernmost quadrant. it only got worse from there." The area has been quarantined for safety reasons and is currently being referred to by the government as Eskimofestation Zone 1201.
"These Eskimos are a danger to our health and a danger to our society!" exclaimed Kyle Watson '10. "And, most importantly, they're a danger to my grades! I've got nowhere to study! It's Tuesday night, which means my roommate is probably baking out my room right now, and the lounges are always so loud, and I have a test tomorrow and a paper due Friday and Starbucks closes at 1 am and I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!...." Kyle's interview was cut short when his head abruptly exploded.
"Why is everyone so convinced that these Eskimos are only causing trouble and hardship?" asked shunned Canadian student Linda Ehhhman '09. "Maybe they could help make the Brown community even stronger! What if one of them was a... a sushi chef... or... or an ice sculptor... or a... a porpoise trainer? How would you feel about trapping them in a basement then, eh?"
Among the many affected by this incident, however, none have taken as big a blow as the SciLi movie rental service, which has experienced record lows in take-outs. George Randall, CEO of SciLi Movie Rental Incorporated, commented, "Even during that flood last year, there was this one guy who came by to pick up a copy of You, Me and Dupree. But since they've welded, padlocked, and barricaded the entrances to the basement shut, we haven't rented out a single DVD! But, just like that pornography scandal we got tangled up in a few years back, this will all blow over soon enough."
Not everyone is sitting idly by and watching this crisis unfold, however. Engineers at the Noser headquarters have developed a robot capable of withstanding 8 thousand tons of solid Eskimo. This robot, Iggy, was sent into the deepest, darkest regions of the SciLi Tuesday to make observations.
"What we saw was truly astounding," announced engineer Jan Edwardson. "It seemed as though the entire northern half of the basement had been transformed into a tundra bustling with winter flora and fauna. It was snowing, and there were men in furry coats on dogsleds with spears and fishing rods. When we sent Iggy inside of one of the igloos to observe the living conditions of these mysterious creatures, there was a grunting noise and we lost the feed. I don't think we are appreciating the magnitude of what we're up against..."
Iggy's recording was retrieved by an elite administrative squad and is currently being examined for evidence on how to possibly expel the Eskimos.
In recent days, Brown has begun to cope with what may be a long and possibly irreversible crisis. The southern quarters of the basement have been reopened after the Doverfield camera revealed that the Eskimos mysteriously avoid at all costs the area labeled "0 Decibels." And, in fact, Brown is making revenues off of the situation as Bear Grylls is paying $4 million to film his newest and fiercest episode of "Man vs. Wild" in Brown's desolate underground tundra.
President Ruth Simmons summed up the situation best: "The only thing we have to fear. is the possibility of contracting Rabies, and also that the Eskimos will mistake us for game and shoot us with harpoons, and frostbite, and being run over by dogsleds, and stepping in elk feces, and did I say Rabies?"
