Adam's articles
"Hold the lettuce, right?" At the time it seemed an innocuous question from employee to customer, but those four simple words held incredible significance to Gate frequenter Allison Cooper '11. After four years, nearly 1300 meal credits and what could be considered a lifetime supply of turkey pesto paninis no lettuce, Cooper had finally found her home.
Newspapers today are in dire straits. Circulation is dwindling, profits are plummeting and tumult besets us, the proud bulwarks of honest reportage, on all sides. Through it all we have continued to uphold the integrity with which our forebears began this paper, to bring the news as accurately as possible to as many as possible.
The Brown Concert Agency released this morning a list of the official rumored bands for the 2011 Spring Weekend Concert Series, including such artists as viral power pop group OK Go, indie electropop quintet Hot Chip, breakout alternative rapper Kid Cudi and respected anti-folk rock star Beck.
On Monday, Providence resident Jonathan Schmidt finally issued a heartfelt confession to his alleged theft of over a dozen chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies from their proper places in the jar. Schmidt had been apprehended near the scene of the crime months ago and charged with stealing the cookies, but prior to his confession yesterday he planned to plead not guilty on the basis of his defense, "Couldn't be.
"Let's get high!" quipped President Obama on Monday, his mouth curling into a vainglorious grin. With those iconic words, the president signed into law the Green Act, which calls for the long awaited decriminalization of marijuana but also banishes the possession and use of various common daily commodities, including lighters, brownies and fire.
The Sciences Library Friedman Study Center opened a 1500 decibel section for students who wish to practice instruments, set off mortar grenades into packs of howling wolves at the center of the sun, or study in groups larger than five.
"I'm no hero."
Thus spoke hero safeRIDE driver Delaney Johnson Jr., whose quick reflexes and expert handling narrowly and miraculously steered a vanful of collegiates clear of a collapsing drawbridge, an Escalade full of armed vigilantes, an exploding police helicopter, and a government conspiracy, all in the face of a minor drizzle and slightly breezy conditions.
Antonio's, a clever little pizzeria just past Spectrum India, has recently begun thinking outside of the cone.
"Well, you can tell by the way he uses his walk he is fuming mad," explained Johnny Rockets manager Ian Morenco (Argentina). He then rushed back to the grill to salvage an overcooked Smokehouse Single, adding, "No time to talk."
One of Thayer Street’s unsung staples, Better Burger Company Coming Soon, is on the verge of foreclosure, according to store owner Drgary Griffith. Better Burger Company Coming Soon, not to be confused with local chain Better Burger Company, is a small locally owned burger joint that has won the hearts and stomachs of almost no one in its three-year tenure on Thayer Street.
Close to 1,500 freshmen were none the wiser on Wednesday when an unprepared President Ruth Simmons delivered a monumental convocation address entirely off the top of her head. Experts maintain that Simmons was able to do so by beginning her diatribe with an "Et hem" that lasted approximately twelve minutes, during which time Simmons loudly refused numerous offers of water and cough drops.
A DNA test revealed yesterday that fellow Sigma-Chi rushers Ian Miller '13 and Josh Hendricks '13 are more than just "beer pong partners for life dude, high five!": they are brothers.
The blood work confirmed that best friends Miller-Smirnoff and Hendricks-Smirnoff, who have since adopted their biological intoxicator's name, had near identical blood alcohol content levels during their brief stays at Providence hospital.
Valentine's Day has long been heralded as a day filled with love and boxes of chocolates, both the metaphorical and the delicious kinds. But this year Cupid's arrow struck far and wide, inflaming the passions of students and faculty alike all across campus and leading to a sexile epidemic unlike anything the University has ever experienced before.
For centuries, Ratty diners have come to accept the inevitable truth that the BUDS batting average is deplorably low, both in its percentage of tolerable eateries at any given meal and its performance at the biannual kitchen/janitorial staff softball tournament.
Jeremy Holton '12 awoke fresh and early at 9 a.m. expecting his first day of sophomore year to be a good one. Thus, the Orgo final exam that he was handed upon walking into MacMillan 117 came as a bit of a shock. Whereas he had expected to wake up on September 9th, he instead found his peers scribbling December 3rd on the covers of their test booklets.
It took about eight seconds for Renee Salanza '12 to half-run to the door of Grad Center B, which was chivalrously held ajar by Ken Kellerman '11. Eight seconds too long.
"I'm a nice guy," began Kellerman, rubbing Icy Hot on his sore, fragile arm.
Scientists everywhere held their breath giddily, gasped, and defeatedly slouched in their ergonomic swivel chairs last Friday, as an Unstoppable Force narrowly whisked past an Immovable Object somewhere near Oklahoma City. Like Haley's Comet or a Pixar movie, the much anticipated encounter of Force and Object was projected to be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
From the people who wrought such ambrosia upon the world as "Cookie Doughn't You Want Some," "German Chokolatekake" and "The Pie Who Loved Me" comes an innovative and carnally satisfying new signature plate: "Revenge: A Dish Best Served Cold Stone."
Cold Stone Creamery announced the dish yesterday, kicking off a new line of emotionally-inspired flavors.
The BCA announced last week that its Spring Weekend concert series would be held not on the Main Green but instead in a small computer lab in the CIT.
Records indicate that three months ago a student group was granted a request by Media Services to reserve both the Main Green and the OMAC from April 17th at 5pm until April 19th at 2pm.
Students rejoiced yesterday upon the inauguration of the Fast Lane, a new and efficient way to overtake mosiers, lollygaggers and giant hordes of Hispanic youths alike. The lanes are indicated by white lines running along Thayer St. sidewalks, and are already quickly revolutionizing both pedestrian transportation and not getting stuck behind those two middle aged ladies and having to listen to their entire conversation about how Marlene missed the birthday party which is a shame because the cheesecake was divine.
On Saturday, the Brown Department of Public Safety saved the world yet again, this time by unearthing and disbanding an underground network of totalitarian servitude led by Jonathon Calafisto '11. The slavery ring, which many students are referring to as "another example of Jon being a total douche," may have possibly affected students in up to two and a half grad center suites.
In what many experts are calling "the beginning of the rise of the machines! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! AHHHH!!!" a University Scantron machine meted failing marks to a record three hundred and forty seven students enrolled in "ENGN 58: Entrepreneurship in a Modern Era.
"I tried sleeping, reading, balancing pencils on top of each other, but none of it makes the time go by any faster. I just don't know what to do," professed Jeremy Starburg '11.
When Starburg preregistered for "VISA0050:Introduction to Doodling" last spring, he and others like him expected an engaging classroom experience, a breadth of fascinating and famous scribbling techniques, and perhaps the guidance necessary to pursuing doodling professionally.
In an effort to stabilize the increasingly volatile temperature swings in Barus and Holley lecture halls, Dean of Engineering Kelvin Farius announced yesterday plans to replace all of the building's thirty-five thermostats with Igor, the "Weather Monkey."
Igor will be stationed in a cage in Barus and Holley's service elevator, where he will be given a machine with various knobs, dials and buttons featuring pictures of wavy blue lines and jagged red lines, among other drawings of climate conditions.
The great men and women of the Brown community are bound by a moral and social contract in which it is expected for one to be kind and respectful to his fellow fellow.
However, based on the insolent, disgraceful, and downright heinous acts of the Bear Necessities just days ago, one might imagine that this contract had been used as toilet tissue and burned to fiery ash before being scattered inside of a port-a-potty and jettisoned into space.
FishCo. Many think of it as a vivid illustration of roaring Providence nightlife. To some, the mere name evokes fond memories of not remembering what happened that one night. To others,
FishCo represents that time that you got 'groped' by a scary man with a weird moustache.
For decades, college students across the world have shared a common goal. Be it through the use of vinyl record players, Nintendo 64 consoles or Sock 'em Boppers, everyone everywhere has hoped to somehow "bring something back."
Terry Packer '11 is no exception to this rule.
In a bizarre assertion of megalomania, Donald Trump has officially changed the size of his name to Donald Trump, an increase in font size from the standard 12 point type to a slightly more arrogant 13. Asked why he felt this change was necessary, Trump replied, "When people drive through New York City, my name jumps out at them from all of my buildings.
Every night, when Lincoln Sapper's '09 head hit the pillow, he knew he was safe. No matter how bad his day was, he knew his troubles would never follow him into his one true sanctuary. He knew his friends Dr. Cuddles and Feathers McStuff would shield him from harm.
The Sciences Library is one of many buildings on the campus of Brown University that is renowned worldwide as a haven of safety and order. Last week, however, that order was turned upside down, then beaten with a club and shot in the kneecaps after a minor incident at the Oxford University Press led to near-cataclysmic consequences.
On Feb. 12th, a very unique issue of the BDH was printed. Unlike a traditional issue, normally containing up to 25 articles, each written in size-12 Times New Roman font with single spacing, this issue contained a single article, written in size 44.5 Algerian font with triple spacing.
Until yesterday, conspiracy theorists like James Lochfoot were never regarded with any sort of credibility. However, with new evidence suggesting that the Barus & Holley building is actually the chest of what many assume is some sort of giant fighting robot, many are beginning to listen to what Lochfoot has to say.
In what has developed into a very polarizing issue, the Brown Stand-Up Comics denied admission last week to Vic Doherty, a former marine who lost his legs during the Vietnam War.
Doherty, who spent four years fighting for our nation against the "git darn bast'rd-toothed, Soviet-lovin', flag-burnin' commies," engaged in a hunger strike as a protest of his rejection.
Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life in prison has become a reality for one of Brown's most notorious buccaneers. Brownbeard the Pirate, captain of the entirely pirate-run a capella group ARRR!!!, was convicted last Friday of using Limewire to illegally share music.
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