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"No. Fucking. Way."
Sonia Vignale '11 replied in same vulgar and absolutely unbelieving fashion of many other students to the astonishing news that Harold Greenwald '11 is considering continuing his education at the graduate level and, in an unprecedented move, perhaps pursuing a career in academia.
Greenwald, a Philosophy concentrator, has reportedly "not made any decisions yet," though grad school is making its way up his list of possible pursuits after graduation, just below Teach for America and above what Greenwald has simply called "going abroad."
Greenwald's mind-blowing idea was first born while he was filling out an application for a summer internship. While reviewing the application, Greenwald observed an interesting phenomenon. "I simply realized that as a Philosophy concentrator, member of Juggling Club, intramural softball player, and hot sauce enthusiast, I can take my future in so many different directions. Going to grad school is definitely a possibility-but I'm certainly not sold yet. I need to give things some thought."
Greenwald, whom one Career Development Center employee said "has no marketable skills," is now faced with the difficult task of deciding where his knowledge of his "power topics"- Conceptual Role Semantics and the Prosential Theory of Truth- can be best put to use.
Between his knowledge of Catalán, his extensive investigations of Doxastic Voluntarism, and his participation in Arrrr Capella, Greenwald anticipates no problem with his transition into the post-Brown world. "I think I'll fit in pretty well wherever I end up," said Greenwald. "After all, who couldn't use someone well versed in advanced deduction and panexperientialism? Those skills come in handy in almost any career. Were I to enter the commodities trading world, I would have a unique perspective deriving from my knowledge of the idea that pork bellies could also experience phenomenal consciousness."
Continued Greenwald, "At least, that's what my advisor told me."
Still, in the back of Greenwald's mind, the warm embrace of academia has become a more attractive option. Added Greenwald, "While I know that I could apply Kant's Hermaneutics to most any job, from publishing to systems analysis, it might also be nice to do meaningful research into the topics that matter in this mixed-up world: heuristics, phenomenology, and neo-Pythagoreanism. After all, with the country's economic woes, the government's indecision regarding healthcare, and the overwhelming gap between rich and poor, the first thing we should be doing is investigating the nature of consciousness and the limits and freedoms it imposes.
"Plus, were I to dive into academia, I wouldn't have to sacrifice my interests for the superfluous things that the world requires of most other professions: stunted individuality; illogical and oppressive schedules; and hygiene."
"So many of my friends are going into business, or applying to med school. I just want to do something original, you know?"
In another unprecedented move, Greenwald added, "Or, I could always apply to law school."
Greenwald was unable to comment further because of his Puzzle Club meeting.
