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To the delight of their sycophantic fan base, the jam band of choice for the smelliest, grimiest, most obnoxious, scum-of-the-earth, neo-hippie douche-bags ever to light a stick of patchouli, Phish, announced plans to return to the stage for a 2009 tour after a 5 year hiatus.
"Dude!" cried Ross Kaminski '10 from his window overlooking an otherwise relaxed and un-annoyed group of students attempting to enjoy lunch on Wriston Quad, "Phish is back, man!"
"I know, man!" yelled a bearded man in a tie-dye shirt while recklessly riding a long board down a sidewalk across the quad. The hairy, rolling loser barely had time to add, "I'm psyched, dude!" before colliding with the outstretched arm of a Good Samaritan who asked to remain unnamed.
Kaminski, an avid collector of glass art and amateur botanist, spent the day bombarding his roommate, Benjamin Simon '10, with stupid, long-winded stories of Phish tours past. More than one concluded with one of Kaminski's toolish pals "eating some bunk shrooms and spending the second set shitting his balls off!"
"I don't even hate Phish," Simon admitted after escaping Kaminski and the day's 5th version of "You Enjoy Myself" blaring from his crappy iPod speakers, "But if Ross doesn't quit talking about them, I'm gonna have to break his nose, or his bong, maybe both."
But Kaminski wasn't the only university resident obnoxiously excited about the upcoming reunion. Dear Katherine Bergeron was spotted in her office bobbing her ridiculous backwards mullet to one of the band's endless jams."I love these guys," Bergeron said of the 4-piece group, "They're groovy. Like the Beatles, but with psychedelic drugs."
Phish's announced return has also inspired an unprecedented drop in shower attendance amongst undergrads which has resulted in a perceptible increase in prevalence of that "raunchy hippie smell" in campus eateries, classrooms, and dorms.
"Its like this terrible mix of body odor, pot breath, and vegan food," described Jennifer Grundleman '09, pinching her nose as she walked past a circle of Phish freaks congregating around a hookah on the main green. "It smells like a hot-boxed gym locker room everywhere I go."
Acknowledging that we'll be forced to endure another 4 months of their unbelievable obnoxiousness before the first concert, Health Services has issued a pamphlet describing strategies for keeping creepy Phish dudes away from you and your friends in the meantime.
The pamphlet's most effective strategies include avoiding retailers where Birkenstocks and/or drug paraphernalia is sold, dressing as a police officer, and using the new iTunes visualizer to distract them while you sneak out the back.
