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The Brown Noser

Planned Parenthood Express to Offer Fries with That

Published Friday, April 27th, 2007

Last week, Angell Street's Planned Parenthood Express implemented its most recent innovation with the addition of fries to what the program's director calls its "menu."

"This is part of a larger set of changes we're currently undergoing in attempt to appeal to a younger, more upscale, and hip clientele. We think this will provide an incentive to take advantage of our facilities, pre- or post- conception," explained Susan Sheridan, Director of Planned Parenthood's Express Division. "The fries are also a great way of making our abortionees feel more at home."

When asked, "Why fries?" Sheridan explained that the board "wanted something that [their] clients could associate with the warm feeling of childhood."

Planned Parenthood Express aims to make access to contraception as painless as possible. They have even installed a speaker and drive-through box. Upon entering the line, the driver chooses from a selection of disposable sunglasses to ensure anonymity when he or she proceeds a few yards forward to the booth. No more awkward trips to the drug store.

Upon reaching the window, the client need only place his or her order for condoms, diaphragms, the combined oral contraceptive pill, the morning-after pill, and now fries, all of which will be prepared and packaged within moments of pulling up to the station-guaranteed. An order of Planned Parenthood fries comes salted with ketchup and mustard, and two complimentary CondommintsT, a new product, which as the slogan suggests, keeps breath "minty fresh for later tonight."

Planned Parenthood makes a point of trumpeting the fact that no trans fats are used in the preparation of their fries.

The program has been wildly successful, attracting a plethora of new clients. The only problem encountered thus far is with the glasses, the opaqueness of which, designed for maximum anonymity,
has resulted in the destruction of numerous side view mirrors.

"We're still working on developing a lens which allows the driver to see out while preventing us from making eye contact," says Judy Franco, Sheridan's assistant director. "We're also negotiating with Wendy's, which has expressed an interest in donating several thousand gallons of chocolate, vanilla, banana, and strawberry milkshake."

Franco says the fries are so delicious she's gained fifteen pounds since distribution started.

"Susan teases me I look pregnant," said Franco.

The fries are so popular that several members of the staff have reported seeing pro-life bumper stickers on the cars of customers who are requesting double orders. Planned Parenthood has yet to find a solution for this.

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