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Hey, I couldn't help but notice you were looking at my feet. Don't worry you're not the only one. I'd probably be looking at my feet too if I were you, because, as you no doubt have already noticed, these Crocs are totally kickass!
Point: These New Crocs are Totally Kickass!
By Chris Daniels
I know they may look a bit odd at first, but take my word for it: nothing equals the comfort of Crocs. Not only are they well ventilated, but they have these neat little ridges on the bottom that feel sooo good on your feet. Also, unlike sandals, Crocs never chaffe, in fact that back strap is totally optional. Talk about customizability! I know they may not be the most stylish footwear in the world but the bright colors are fun! Besides, who am I trying to be? Madonna?!
Anywho, what these crocs may lack in style they totally make up for in function. I can do just about anything in them, and if they get wet its no big deal. What other piece of footwear can boast such functional durability?
Oh that? I was hoping you would ask about that. That's what we Croc-wearers call a Jibbitz. It's like a little decoration that you pop in between the holes on your Croc, just to add some extra flair! I got that little basketball one for free but I plan on buying a few more; I want to get a little tennis racket (my favorite sport) and maybe a peace sign. I imagine now you're starting to see that Crocs are more than just a shoe, they're a medium of self-expression!
As you can see the advantages of Crocs are countless. Once I even heard that they were edible, but I don't know if I'm gonna try that quite yet! Seriously though, take it from me, Crocs are the way to go. Can you name another shoe that provides the same levels of comfort, versatility, individual style AND functionality? I didn't think so.
Counterpoint: You Look Like a Tool
by Greg Berman
I wasn't going to say anything at first, but I feel like this has gone on long enough. Someone was bound to tell you eventually and I figure it might as well be me. Fact is, those things make you look like a douche. Don't give me that bullshit about comfort or versatility either. Those could be the most comfortable and versatile shoes in the universe and you would still look like a total dipshit. Besides, there is no way that a shoe made out of some cheap rubber substance could really be that comfortable.
And yet, I think the biggest problem lies in the physical appearance. They're an eyesore. It's as if the colors were chosen deliberately so that they would clash with every piece of clothing imaginable. And don't even get me going on the shape- if you want to look like Bozo the fucking clown then that's your business, but count me out.
To make matters worse, for some reason you also insist on wearing them everywhere. I suppose I could make an exception if you were gardening or doing some aquatic work but that's generally not the case. No, you wear those things to the dining hall, class, even out on the goddamned weekends. Are you trying to look like the worlds biggest tool?
Oh, and for your information, wearing them with socks does not make them any more legitimate. If anything, it elevates you to a whole new level of assholity, one I previously thought to be inaccessible by mere mortals.
In the end, I'm only telling you this for your own good. I'd want someone to tell me if I was making a total ass of myself. If you want to keep walking around in those abominations and decorating them like some sort of grotesque guest. Just stop asking me to 'give 'em a shot.
