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Princeton University's star coxswain, Michael Ryan, perished in a freak accident Friday during a race on the Charles River in Boston.
Ryan, a junior economics concentrator and 3-time MVC (Most Valuable Coxswain) in the NCAA, was inadvertently pushed head-over-heels by a startled pelican just as the third of his three races began, according to investigators. Upon falling into the chilly waters, Ryan received a blow to the temple from the oar of Devon Kazciwek, sending him into convulsions and ending in what is suspected to have been a major brain hemorrhage.
Paramedics, already positioned at the waterfront, were unable to revive him. The awards ceremony was postponed indefinitely out of respect for Ryan, his family, friends, and the entire WASP community.
Despite video footage and dozens of witness accounts of the pelican's deadly flight and Kazciwek's fatal pull of the oar, Harvard Police Department Chief Francis "Bud" Riley has stated that he is "not ruling out foul play." However, until Ryan's family authorizes an autopsy, the cause of his death will not be further investigated.
The EMTs who attempted to revive the unconscious coxswain all agreed that Ryan's death was undoubtedly "a horrific and brutally ironic accident."
"To even suggest that foul play was involved is an insult to the medical community," said senior EMT leader Jacob Polk. "This poor boy died of a stroke caused by a stroke. We all saw it."
Several of Ryan's teammates agreed through their tears. "This just shows that our athletic directors care more about wins and publicity than they care about the physical, emotional, and mental well-being of their own athletes," said freshman rower Daniel Miller. "The Ivy League, as an athletic conference, has many issues to work out over the coming months."
None of the criticism seemed to reach the Harvard University Police Department's ears.
"Our prime suspect in this murder investigation is the pelican, which we are keeping in a detention facility in Cambridge," stated Chief Bud. "Current intelligence indicates that this pelican was coerced by a team of biologists and animal psychologists from Yale. We also have preliminary evidence that Yale physics majors were involved in planning the timing of the pelican's blow to cause the first rower's subsequent stroke to strike Ryan."
Princeton officials have requested that U.S. News and World Report begin to include statistics for "athletic murders" in its annual rankings of top U.S. institutions of higher learning.
Additionally, animal rights activists have begun circulating a petition demanding the release of the pelican from Harvard detention facilities.
"The poor pelican was undoubtedly confused by the brightly colored uniforms of the Princeton rowing team," said a PETA official who requested anonymity. "No one is to blame for this accident; all we should do now is try to recover from this devastating event and learn to avoid tragedies like this in the future."
