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Speaking from his office in MacMillan, Professor of Chemistry Damian S. Carlyle confirmed recent suspicions that he does in fact hate you.
"I just want to make it unequivocally clear that my grading policy is very fair to everyone, except for students that I hate," said Carlyle, drawing on memories of the recent midterm you just got back.
Carlyle went on to elaborate that his handwriting is only illegible when it appears on your work, and he only appears to be bad with names when those names are the names of people who have wronged him, possibly by dozing off in class that one Thursday morning after a late night at FishCo.
Rest assured, however, that he does know your name.
"There's nothing really wrong with this lab write-up," Carlyle continued, pulling out a thick red marker. "The hypothesis, variables, conclusion - they're all there and they're pretty well presented. I know that this student spent a lot of time worrying over what I would think of the assignment and so put a lot of extra effort into it. But I just flat out don't like this douchebag."
The much-loved professor, who has numerous connections to all the companies where you may want to be employed someday, would not go into specifics concerning the cause of the animosity, but he did mention that time when your laptop started blasting music from the pop-up ad during lecture and that time when your bag's strap tripped him in the aisle.
Carlyle confirmed, however, that he will be circulating your name and drunken Facebook pictures to every professor you could possibly have in the future.
He's also working on establishing a relationship with BUDS workers in order to negotiate a system in which they will spit in your eggs every morning at the omelette station.
Carlyle is busy preparing for the final in the second week of December. Although the exam is scheduled for December 8th at 9 a.m., he would like you to show up to an alternate test date that is to be announced the day after it has already passed.
When asked about his future plans, the chemistry professor expressed his intentions to continue calling on you when you don't know the answer, refusing to return your greetings when passing him on Thayer Street, and possibly taking a shit in your backpack when you're not looking.
