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Employees raised plastic cups (and some paper cups because there weren't enough plastic cups to go around) for a toast last week at the Ratty.
"Last year was a great year for the Sharpe Refectory," Food Safety Director Bill Crock announced. "We recorded zero deaths for ten straight months in 2008. I don't know how high we should shoot, but let's try to make 2009 even better!"
Numbers released in January show a mild drop in illnesses caused by the Ratty's cooking. Cafeteria staffers are taking every opportunity to remind students and faculty of the findings.
"The numbers in this study are really a testament to the progress we've made," Crock told the Noser. "You can now eat a hot dog with zero risk of contracting most communicable diseases, including- and this is one we're particularly proud of 'round here -the ebola virus!"
But not all of the Ratty's patrons are as enthused about the 14-percent decline in food-related sicknesses.
"In November, warts started growing on my hands after I spilled some turkey gravy on them," says Anne Wilson '11. "And my roommate tried the nacho cheese for the first time last year, and now she has herpes."
"I'm just saying, I think they still have some room for improvement."
Historically, the Refectory has a significant place in the record books for those who study food safety. In 1981, it became the first eatery to serve pork carrying the then-unheard-of mad pig disease. And in 1998, Richard Shrimpton '99 suffered a minor intestinal attack at the hands of flesh-eating cockroaches that were later found to have made their homes in turkey tetrazzini.
"Oh, yeah, I remember those guys," Crock says with a wistful sigh. "They really loved the texture of those noodles. It's a damn shame we have to spray the tetrazzini with Raid."
Last semester, three students and one faculty member ate pizza from the Tastes of the World line that was topped not with meatballs, as they thought, but rather crusted-over globs of earwax. In a sad turn of events, they died.
Facilities staff say clean-up of the corpses from "Pizza Incident #4" was especially difficult because the victims died in the darkest corner of one of the Refectory's caves. As per decree of Thaddeus "Ratty-us" Sharpe, the donor after whom the cafeteria is named, the remains were ground up and processed into chourico for Saturday brunch.
The Ratty may have had its minor setbacks in the past. But from here on out, Crock says, there's nowhere to go but up.
"Unless, of course, another rusty nail finds its way into the tofu. But the chances of that happening are- well, let's not say things we might regret later."
