Partly Cloudy, 64°
The Brown University Registrar was overwhelmed with requests for a class taught in the history department, but much of the students' enthusiasm was misguided.
"When I saw there was a course was being offered about sex positions, I was so excited that I accidentally un-popped my collar as my arms shot into the air with joy," said Chad Brinkley '11 of Sigma Chi. "Then my roommate explained to me that it was about church locations in Europe. Then he explained it again, more slowly. Now I understand the miscommunication and am exceedingly distraught."
Professor Johnson, who wrote his double-volume doctoral thesis on medieval codpieces, still plans to teach the class in the fall. He says his thorough arousal of the student body was unintentional.
"I honestly haven't had relations in so long, the thought that there might be a double entendre never occurred to me," he said, his lack of a sex life hammered home by his use of the term "relations."
Other courses offered by Johnson include, most notably, "Lord Have Mercy: An Examination of Religious References in Sitcoms of the Seventies" and "Lice Lice Baby: Hair Shirts of the Middle Ages and the Vermin Who Loved Them." Both of these classes are no longer offered, which is very disappointing to at least one student.
"Professor Johnson was more than just my teacher," says Percival Coney GS, a Brown graduate student since 1972. "He was the key that unlocked a whole new world of self-flagellation and punitive clothing."
Now that the word is out, many students are opting out of "Missionary Positions" in favor of something more stimulating. Yet the Registrar reports that many are signing up for a course that may turn out to be just as much of a letdown- MUSC0085: "Five-Finger Exercises" is actually a beginner's piano class.
