Marshall's articles
A lock of Brown University President Ruth Simmons' hair was auctioned off yesterday for no less than 500 flex points and one pony.
The auction was held to raise awareness "about how awesome Ruth is," said wide-eyed Jimmy Gavin '11, who sponsored the event.
The Brown University Registrar was overwhelmed with requests for a class taught in the history department, but much of the students' enthusiasm was misguided.
"When I saw there was a course was being offered about sex positions, I was so excited that I accidentally un-popped my collar as my arms shot into the air with joy," said Chad Brinkley '11 of Sigma Chi.
David Schmitt '11 has always been passionate about protecting the environment, but the self-labeled tree-hugger has been discouraged recently. Although he frequently displays his fondness for foliage by wrapping his arms around their trunks and pressing his cheek softly against their woody exteriors, his latest enthusiastic embraces have been thwarted - by a cactus.
Lucas Evanbaugh '11 wears a scarf. This means he is sensitive, is an artist, eats Kashi cereal, and has a warm neck. But he is not a pompous ass.
"I was just sitting moodily at Coffee Exchange, waiting for some brilliant spark of inspiration to jot down in my Moleskine notebook when someone yelled, 'Hey, you in the scarf! You're a pompous ass!' But I knew right away I was better than him because he was wearing a T?shirt that wasn't clever or ironic," Evanbaugh said.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
