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Students in visiting Professor Emmanuel Christos' RELS0110:"Introduction to Christianity" have had significant trouble comprehending the professor's veiled lectures. It seems that the confusion has stemmed from Professor Christos' predilection for speaking in parables said to be "harder to piece together than a goddamn jigsaw puzzle."
"He never just goes out and says exactly what he means," said Luke Barabbas '11. "Like just the other day someone asked him how long our papers had to be, and he replied with, 'You are the salt of the earth; but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?' So I figure that's, like, somewhere between three and five pages?"
"It's like he purposely doesn't want us to know what he's talking about," complained Elizabeth James '12. "He makes 'Lost' look like 'One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.' And he makes 'One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish' look like 'Little Miss Muffet.' He needlessly makes every complicated thing at least one degree more complicated, is what I'm trying to say."
There are those, however, who may have some insight into the Professor's cryptic teachings. "I think I know what he's hiding," said Simon Peters '11, a TA for the class. "But he told me and the 11 other TA's that if we told anyone there would be 'weeping and gnashing of teeth.' I don't know what gnashing means but I'm pretty sure I don't want any of that. I just got my braces off."
Many of his students' complaints stem from the fact that Professor Christos "rambles on and on like a hobo on a 48 hour meth bender." Sources indicate that "his scraggly beard and weathered clothing don't help, either."
Christos' credibility was further diminished when the professor held class on the steepest part of College Hill last Thursday. "He took us all the way up there and lectured down to us about how 'those who are last will be first and those who are first will be last'," said Jean Baptiste '13. "So I guess if I bomb the next few tests, somehow I'll end up with an A."
Of late, Christos has been put under formal review by the University because of his students' across-the-board failing midterm grades. If found at fault, Christos could be removed from the Brown faculty roster. When asked why he thought this had occurred, Professor Christos answered, "The son of man was brought here to undergo great suffering and to be rejected by the elders and be killed and after three days rise again." I can assure you that this reporter has no effing idea what that means.
However, there are those who have come to his defense in this dark time. "It's really horrible what they're doing to Professor Christos," said Peters. "They're just trying to make an example of him. They want to crucify him."
When asked to comment on Professor Christos' standing with the University, Dean of the Faculty Rajiv Vohra said, "I really don't want to get involved at this time. I'm washing my hands of the whole situation."
