Partly Cloudy, 64°
From a location rife with technologically savvy men comes one of the most shocking inventions to hit the streets since Tickle Me Elmo: The Boom Boom 5000.
This revolutionary robot is no Robin Williams; he won't cook for you, clean your room, or do your laundry. What he will do, however, is get you some "grade A poontang," says one of the creators, Conan Fleckenstein. The Boom Boom 5000 is designed to act as a "wingman," helping his owner get the girl of his choosing.
For the Boom Boom team, a group of Harvard and MIT scientists, this creation has revolutionized their world "and the amount of booty [they] get," reports Pat Sternberg, a stout, five-foot-one sophomore.
"When I see a fine piece of woman cruising through the clubs," said Sternberg, "I think to myself, 'how can I attract some of that?' I just call over my Boomie and he spits mad game, next thing I know I've got a smashed hottie just begging for some of my lip-action."
Boomie, as its creators affectionately call it, was created when Sternberg, Fleckenstein, and two other sophomores, Ralph O'Nadler and Frank Kazangelfien just "couldn't take it any longer."
After its creation, the Boom Boom 5000 was bought by Tyco, which announced plans to create an "adult toy" division.
Senior VP of Development, Bob Lasch clarified, "We're not doing vibrators or dildos or any of that stuff. We're sticking to classy things, like robots that help boys score the girls they deserve."
After hitting the market in late February, the Boom Boom proved to be an immediate success. Men from all over the country were anxious to get their hands on their very own Boom Boom.
How does the Boom Boom 5000 work? "It's rather simple," explains O'Nadler. "You press his winky button, and point him in the direction of the girl you like, then he goes over and tells her you're not interested in her. After extensive research, we realized that girls aren't going to go for a guy unless they think there's a challenge, so that's what Boom Boom does, he gives the girl a challenge."
The robots next job is just what one would think of for a wingman, "He keeps the ugly woman away," says Sternberg.
This Robot is not without controversy, as several women's rights groups have formed to lobby against its production.
"It's demeaning! I don't want some creepy robot coming up to me and trying to get his nerdy friend into my pants," commented Robyn Stein, President of GABB (Girls Against Boom Booms).
"It's just wrong. They're lying to us, not to mention that the Boom Boom robot isn't attractive and neither are their owners," said Lynn Trotenberg, Vice President of Marketing for the anti-Boom Boom Facebook group, If You Were Hot, You Wouldn't Need Your Boom Boom.
Needless to say, despite the rallies against it, the Boom Boom 5000 has revolutionized the bar scene. The number of drunken hook-ups in the nation has doubled, and, in the words of four MIT and Harvard students, "If you want your own hot, little shmoomie, get yourself a Boomie."
