Partly Cloudy, 64°
As Jesse Parker '13 returned to his room with a female companion last Wednesday night, he never could have anticipated the reaction of his ne'er-do-well roommate, Trevor Harrison '13.
"So I was at FishCo, because it was a weeknight and, let's face it, I'm a football player," Parker explained. "And I spotted this bitch from my Russian Lit class who knew what was up, so we came back to my room to, you know. But he wouldn't leave. My roommate would not leave. He just sat at his computer and continued playing Farmville."
"I needed to tend to my crops," Harrison said. "They were going to die if I didn't intervene. Honestly I can't deal with that trauma again. Try asking my Tamagotchi how his day was. Let me save you the trouble: He's dead. If that kind of pain doesn't resonate with my barbarian roommate, then he can go to hell."
Upon hearing this, Parker was shocked, insisting he was unaware of any antagonism with Harrison. "I have no idea why he's pissed at me. I mean, I guess he empties the trash a lot more than I do. And this one time my sock accidentally crept over to his side of the room. Oh yeah, and I used to fuck girls on his bed all the time during orientation. I'm talking, all the time."
"Frankly, enough is enough," Harrison insisted. "I had to put my foot down."
Parker said that he politely asked his roommate to move to the lounge, but Harrison refused. Parker then enlisted the help of his pledge brothers at Thete, who forcibly removed Harrison from the room.
The next morning, Parker was shocked to find that Harrison had initiated a protest against his actions, organizing multiple sit-ins around campus.
"Just because we have less sex doesn't mean we're lesser people," Harrison orated at a public rally on Wriston Quad yesterday, which was attended by two members of Tech House and most of the male Brown Noser staff. "We must boycott the football players, bros and inexplicably fly awkward Jewish kids that sexile us on a regular basis."
The Brown Sexile Boycott has already attracted considerable media attention, and some spectators have hailed Trevor Harrison as the Rosa Parks of his day.
"It's a cause that's worth fighting for," said Harrison. "For every hundred sexiles, ninety-nine go unreported. Do you know what happens to those ninety-nine poor souls? First their self-confidence goes out the window. Then they spend innumerable meal credits at The Gate for late-night snacks they don't even want. Then they die."
As of late, Parker has been encouraged to talk with his roommate, but he believes that the issue is past the point of reconciliation. "He's starting to retaliate violently. He ripped down my Forrest Gump poster and tore it up. Then he left the remnants on my pillow, accompanied by a five-page essay that criticized the film's lazy storytelling techniques and lack of believable characterization. I haven't been the same since."
"Yeah, I think I broke him," Harrison said. "These days he just sits quietly in his bed, curled up in the fetal position, humming Aerosmith's 'I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing' to himself. He won't leave the room. And that really irritates me. I mean, how am I supposed to fuck girls on his bed while he's at Fish Co if he won't go there anymore?"
