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Lucas Evanbaugh '11 wears a scarf. This means he is sensitive, is an artist, eats Kashi cereal, and has a warm neck. But he is not a pompous ass.
"I was just sitting moodily at Coffee Exchange, waiting for some brilliant spark of inspiration to jot down in my Moleskine notebook when someone yelled, 'Hey, you in the scarf! You're a pompous ass!' But I knew right away I was better than him because he was wearing a T?shirt that wasn't clever or ironic," Evanbaugh said.
Ryan Palm, the young man in the boring shirt, tells the Noser that although Evanbaugh believes him to be mistaken, he was 100 percent to 110 percent sure that the self proclaimed "scarf enthusiast" was indeed a pompous ass. "It was like 75 degrees in there, man. There was no reason to wear a scarf. It profoundly upset me."
In response to this statement, Evenbaugh flipped an end of his scarf over his shoulder forcefully yet delicately. He says this maneuver would have been hard to do in a hockey uniform, a sport his father, Jack Evanbaugh, strongly encouraged him to play. He also encouraged his son on numerous occasions to "grow a pair."
Evenbaugh thinks his scarf lends him gravitas. "Without my scarf people might think I'm just unnecessarily melancholy. But with the scarf people know I'm deeper, like I'm super into philosophy and enjoy good wine and cheese while listening to clarinet?heavy jazz."
Evenbaugh's enthusiasm for scarves has made him a memorable figure at Brown University social gatherings. And being in the limelight seems only to strengthen the consensus among his peers that he is in fact a pompous ass.
"This one time, I saw him at an 80's party," said Suzie McFadden '12. "He was dressed as Kurt Cobain. I guess he was trying to be ironic. He brought his guitar and my boyfriend Marty [Luckovich '12] asked him to play "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. But he didn't know how, so he played "Pictures of You" by The Cure. Then he played it three more times. I blame the scarf."
This incident highlights what some believe has become a national conundrum: What is a scarf? Is it, as McFadden later exclaimed, "an accessorial menace!"?
"When I wear one I feel like a super hero," said Evenbaugh. "I feel like I'm Obscure Reference Man, fighting the forces of darkness with my uncanny ability to name foreign indie movies no one has heard of-the kind that have black and white montages of gloomy actors looking at music boxes."
Chad Brinkley '10, of Sigma Chi, is determined to fight back. He feels it's important to warn the student body about the dangers of donning such potentially pretentious attire. "It be a serious problem, dude. It's not a far leap from wearing a scarf from wearing Birkenstocks and make?believing like tofu is palatable."
Brinkley plans to hold a seminar in the DeCiccio Family Auditorium next Thursday to raise awareness about what he believes is a growing problem. At this program he plans to distribute hats with pre?frayed brims that read: Bros Don't Let Bros Wear Scarves: Drink Natural Light.
[Diagram pending]
