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A recent University-wide investigation into sexual harassment has uncovered some rather startling information.
In past investigations, researchers found that most instances of harassment were caused by fraternity members, varsity athletes, and members of the sexually infamous techhouse, the group with the most reported cases. However, more and more cases have come out of the SciLi. Equally surprising is that more cases than ever have been reported by men.
When <i>The Noser</i> began to investigate this phenomenon, we expected to find sexual deviants wandering the halls of the library, but we quickly discovered that most distressed students had just exited one of the three elevators. When we got a chance to look at the official reports, much to our surprise, the elevators themselves were cited as the source of the offensive comments and actions.
Already a bumpy ride, the SciLi elevators offer a new experience to unsuspecting students. Traditionally, the soothing female elevator voice simply told students to watch their step while exiting the elevator. At first, only a subtle, seemingly innocent change occurred when the voice started saying, "Watch your step when pulling out of me." These small changes did not last long. The elevators have developed minds of their own and are quickly learning new skills.
The elevators now behave even more unacceptably. Often, when students first enter an elevator, the buttons for both floors six and nine are highlighted, and the elevator quickly moves between those two floors. In other instances, when couples enter an elevator, it automatically selects the thirteenth floor, hoping they are there for an inappropriate purpose. When the couple exits, the elevator just keeps its doors open and sits, almost as if watching and waiting. Some couples find the elevator's presence exciting, while others try to
escape to the new group study rooms in the Friedman Study Center.
Still more provocatively, when certain unlucky students enter, the speaker starts screaming, "press my buttons, bitch" while alternately accelerating and slowing down. The more comforting voice reminds students "the first time with me is supposed to hurt." Sometimes, the elevator takes a more romantic approach when it locks students in the elevator for hours while continuously asking, "Do you love me?"
Some students are genuinely hurt by the offensive actions of the elevator. William Beauchamp '08 said about the elevators, "My girlfriend and I just wanted to study and I told her that I'd meet her on the eighth floor. When I got in the elevator it told me that I 'could do better than that slut,' and after I had my first time with an elevator, I would never go back to my girlfriend. I felt so used, so disgusted with myself. That elevator verbally raped me and it's not okay."
Despite many students' negative reactions to these recently discovered elevator quirks, some students appreciate the attention from a girl, artificial or not, on campus.
Zack Duhante '10 said, "Stephanie, Denise, and Courtney [his names for the elevator's voices] make me feel really special. I wasn't getting a lot of attention from college girls before that fateful day in the SciLi. Besides, I'd never been with three girls at once, let alone triplets."
These revolutionary elevators have left their mark on campus. The lines for the SciLi elevators are longer than ever, as students wait in line to experience their first time. Girls are even complaining that "hooking up" with guys is more difficult than ever as they spend all their time in the SciLi. These events have also led to the creation of a new SciLi challenge involving all three elevators, two boxes of condoms, and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.
