Partly Cloudy, 64°
Jesus Christ. What is that? Is that a … No, it can't be. Really? Oh yep. That's a big stinking turd-burger smack dab in the middle of the shower. And now it's on my only pair of flip-flops. Great. This is going to be a good day.
I mean, who does this? Honestly, who has the gall? And in the handicapped shower? That's offensive on so many levels. I could still go use another shower, but a handicapped person? Now they're going to be handicapped and smelly. Nobody wants that.
What might be most offensive is that whoever did this had to pass the toilets on the way to the shower. That means someone made a choice. Someone made a conscious, concerted effort to lay this steaming shit biscuit in the place where I had intended to clean my body. This was a cold, calculated maneuver. All I wanted to do was scrub my undercarriage with some Dove for men and get out of dodge, but now, now I've got poop on my shoes and a mystery on my hands.
Who could've done this? Maybe it was Doug. This is definitely his brand. But I don't think he's smart enough to pull something like this off. This took careful planning. This was a two-man job, at least. One to poop and one to keep guard. Maybe a whole team was required. Yeah, Doug's not capable of that.
What about Lucy? I know, I know. She's a girl and this is the men's bathroom, but that's exactly why it could be her. No one would ever suspect it. It's the perfect crime. She could have snuck in late last night, pinched a loaf, let it stew overnight and then - Blamo! It ripens with the morning dew and makes the entire bathroom reek like something that came out of that guy from "The Green Mile."
Little Lucy Saunders. She's a criminal-pooping mastermind. She's like the Keyser Söze of human excrement. Only she's real, and the proof is in the pooping. She dropped a Hulk-sized bomb in the shower and walked away. And on a Saturday too. A janitor won't clean this mess up for another two days.
Damn, she's good. It's ingenious. It had to be her. Plus, I did take a dump in the girls' sink last week. I guess revenge is a dish best served piping hot with little bits of corn in it by a girl who's barely five feet tall. Touché. But this isn't over, Lucy Saunders. Not by a long shot. I'm eating all my meals at Baja's for the next three days straight. You've been warned.
