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The Japanese capital was left unmarked last Tuesday as the gargantuan monster Godzilla missed the cityscape entirely while on his biweekly rampage. After avoiding the city's port completely when emerging from the ocean, taking some poorly aimed swings at passing airplanes, and failing to demolish a single bridge, he promptly returned to the ocean and passed out. Experts blame the city's non-obliteration on the mammoth quantity of alcohol Godzilla had consumed before this particular conquest.
Even more intriguing is the number of playgrounds, daycare centers, and peach orchards that have sprung up over the past week. While Tuesday's episode led many to believe Godzilla to be a belligerent drunk, many locals have since caught glimpses of the beast crouching down and playing with children.
Now that Tokyo no longer has to rebuild itself twice weekly, the Japanese government is debating where to direct the future of the metropolis. In the meantime, many are speculating about the source of Godzilla's new habits.
"I believe Godzilla, after almost fifty years of destroying our nation's capital, day after day, is getting tired of the same-old destruction," said Akana Buyo, PhD, local psychologist and writer. "Godzilla is having his mid-life crisis. He's thinking, 'What if I'm still causing billions of yen in property damage and the deaths of countless innocent Japanese citizens until I die? Is this what I really want?'"
"Such stages in life are often marked by sudden, sometimes violent, emotional upheaval," added Buyo. "For Godzilla, this state of upheaval brought him to alcoholism. If you look at the video, the way he almost swipes at one apartment building but then stops himself, over and over, tears running down his pebbled green cheeks. it's just heartbreaking. He was a monster marred by anguish."
Tokyo Governor Shintaro Ishihara announced that "Godzilla has begun using his powers for the good of mankind," noting that the prehistoric beast's atomic breath revealed its capability to implement both school systems and public healthcare.
Fujuki Sakahawa, Tokyo native and father of three, told the Noser he has "grown comfortable with the idea of leaving [his] children in Godzilla's hands."
But not all are content with the new situation. The Japanese construction industry, which had previously accounted for 83% of Japan's GDP, is now in shambles. The Japanese government, initially slow to react to the non-disaster, has issued appeals to the international community, desperately seeking aid in the form of destruction. The first to answer was President George W. Bush, who shared his compassion for the Japanese people.
"I believe that the plight of Japan is the plight of the world," President Bush told the press early this morning. After some applause, the President continued, "Our nation is a nation of virtue, of compassion, and of aid. I promise to deliver to Japan 'prompt and utter destruction,' as we, the American people, provide aid to a confused people rebuilding with prehistoric technology."
Governor Ishihara responded by saying that "Japan is honored to be next in a long line of countries lucky enough to be destroyed by the United States."
