In what some call "the News Feed heard 'round the world," University President Ruth Simmons has crushed the dreams of hopefuls across the country and announced her "complication."
Simmons's complication, announced last night at 4:18 pm, met with a flurry of new Facebook groups, including "When I was your age, Ruth Simmons was single," "Ruth is Taken, now where do I make Drunk Pokes?" and "Coalition of Students to Create the Facebook Ruth-Feed."
While the other party still remains unnamed, speculation of Simmons's partner has spread like wildfire. In a special Brown Noser investigative report, early analysis has shown few consistent findings. Although close Wall-to-Wall examination is currently underway, experts say that there is a high probability that communication was largely made through what industry experts call "Facebook messages," and thus Wall-to-Wall analysis may be misguided. A massive photo-by-photo investigation is also underway, although experts again say that this may not be fruitful.
Simmons is infamous for untagging bad photos of herself," says Brown Noser Facebook Specialist Will Fletcher. "This makes it much more difficult to track down a suspect, especially in a high profile case such as this one, as much of the evidence must be tracked down from cyberspace."
Another tactic being used by Brown Noser Facebook specialists is cross-referencing Simmons's stated "Activities" in order to identify other Facebook users with similar interests. However, this tactic has also proved inefficient. Many of Simmons's stated interests were relatively common, such as "having a good time" and "sleeping." Other stated activities, however, showed no overlap with other members of the Facebook community, such as "Telling Harvard to go fuck themselves."
Simmons's announcement comes after a rocky romantic history. In 2000, Simmons was linked to both hip-hop artist Nasir "Nas" Jones and fellow artist Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter. Many close to the artists cited Simmons as the initial source of hostility between the two rappers, resulting in a much-publicized feud that ended just last year. Some speculate that Simmons may have once again reunited with Jay-Z and is perhaps the impetus for Beyonce Knowles's new album and single, "Irreplaceable."
Facebook.com is rapidly trying to build more servers to compensate for the spike in user traffic. The site has reportedly not received this much traffic since former Republican Congressman Mark Foley changed his "Interested In" last fall.
Simmons has not responded to several wall posts from The Brown Noser asking for an interview, and has changed her current status to "Ruth is no comment."