Partly Cloudy, 64°
If you've attended a frat party in the halls of Delta Tau over the past few weeks, you've more than likely noticed the distinct odor of dog shit emanating from the dance floor. While you've likely thought to yourself, "Hmm… One of the people on this dance floor smells like human garbage," this thought would be incorrect. The scent is, in fact, more likely to be coming from Delta Tau's recently-acquired massive pile of dog shit.
"Yeah, that seemed like a good idea at the time," said D-Tau spokesman Matt Singer '12. "The guy who sold it to us said it was a D-Tau tradition to own a cumbersome and nasally offensive pile of dog shit, and we totally took him up on the offer. In retrospect, though, it seems like it's probably something no one else in the history of human life has ever done ever."
"I've got to say," Social Chair Mark Braunstein '11 added, "generally, in this fraternity, we pride ourselves on our ability to snatch the chicas away from the other world-class dorks of this campus. But you know what's a pretty big turnoff for the ladies? A gigantic pile of dog shit that's easily accessible and visibly clogging the entire staircase. I think it's starting to define us."
The fraternity hit a new low recently when the Department of Public Safety, upon arriving right on schedule to break up a loud and unregistered party, discovered that nobody was attending the party, save for three guys with gigantic shovels attempting to move the shit pile to a side room. There was still a bartender for the event, however.
"Honestly, we just felt bad," DPS Officer Frank Jagoff said. "Usually, the only pleasure in my 9-to-5, one-bedroom-apartment, Spaghetti-O's-for-dinner-again type of life is making sure that college kids never have fun for over an hour at a time. But this didn't look like fun. I felt like maybe I was being a bigger jerk by not intervening."
"By the way," Jagoff added, "did you see that huge pile of dog shit? What the hell was that?"
Not all members of the fraternity are upset with the acquisition of the pile, however. Dennis Wilkins '13, a notoriously terrible-smelling Delt, is "pretty psyched" to see the attention shifting away from him.
"Do you know how tiring it was getting?" Wilkins asked. "At least 7 girls at every D-Tau event would scrunch their faces up, and say, 'What's that smell?', and I had to pop by and get in their faces and say, 'It's me, alright! It's me! I smell awful.'
Now, I still smell relatively dreadful, but my musk is nothing compared to the literal pile of shit down the hall."
"To say we have buyers' remorse is an understatement," Singer '12 lamented.
"I knew I never should have traded those magic beans for this shit pile. Who thinks that's a fair trade? No one. I hate myself."
Despite the new addition, D-Tau still plans on holding a few themed events this semester. Be on the lookout for such classics as "Disco Fever," "Blackout," and "Dear God, Please Do Your Best To Avoid the Massive Pile of Feces on the Stairs Night."
