Partly Cloudy, 64°
A report from "The Ground," as reporters call it …
In an earth-shaking story that is absolutely worthy of an article in an esteemed campus newspaper, Benjamin McGann '13 has big plans for the Undergraduate Council of Students.
"Oh, sure," said McGann, accosted by a reporter who had dozens of other awesome stories he could have written. "I think we've got to be more accountable to the, uh, student body, what with our minutes and everything." McGann stopped just short of declaring martial law across campus.
Since McGann's election in April, his government has engaged in a reign of terror, silencing dissent and imposing Draconian restrictions on student activities - two actions that experts agree are unprecedented and totally happened. From the restructuring of the student organization classification system to the institution of the death penalty for violations of the rules of the Office of Residential Life, McGann's administration has been unrestrained in its conduct.
The authorities have taken notice. As President Obama warned in this year's State of the Union address, "Our students are … frustrat[ed]… by [the tyrannical and fascist actions of their student government, one of the gravest concerns facing our nation today.]"
"[I hope Brown University's campus media has reporters brave enough to challenge these neo-Mussolinis, along with some sort of financial reward system in place for those who do]," quipped the president.
McGann's defeated opponent, Sue Mankiewicz '13, could not be reached for comment, either because a UCS goon had silenced her or because her name is so hard to spell. Other students, however, have come forward with their stories of oppression. "I was trying to hold a meeting in Wilson 202," wailed Yahtzee! Club President Sarah "Yahtzee! Club President" Stevenson '12 with desperation and turmoil evident in her eyes, "but UCS was there, which was really inconvenient."
"We had to move to Wilson 302," moaned club member Willy Andrews '13, contemplating suicide.
"Oh yeah," weighed in Edward Mulligan '14, too intimidated by the council's goons to fully speak his mind. "I think some guy who ran for treasurer once wanted me to sign this paper of his, and it was kind of annoying because I needed to get to lunch and this little dude with funny glasses kept blocking me."
Mulligan laughed, displaying the flippant nonchalance that so many students must turn to in order to mask their constant pain.
Such alarm was widespread across the student body, which has been feeling the council's iron heel in recent weeks. These valiant students, however, in talking about their overlords, are the exception.
Students are generally too terrified to mention their omnipresent governing body, preferring to discuss government-approved topics such as music or sexual intercourse. The downtrodden students are so afraid that many, when confronted, will deny any sort of knowledge about the workings, responsibilities or even existence of the council.
At the first UCS meeting in Faunce House's Petteruti Lounge, most of the seats were vacant. This was no doubt a testament to the grim effectiveness of the council's death squads, or "McGann's Marauders," as students across campus probably call them.
"I think we should start with a discussion of the Student Activities Fund," said McGann, kicking off the meeting with a coded reference to his initiative involving the forced sterilization of all international students. The meeting was briefly disrupted as an indefatigable reporter shouted that the whole thing was a sham and was escorted out as he tenaciously hurled feces at the council members.
Some students have been brave enough to stand up to McGann's regime. The unsolved murders/heroic slayings of several of McGann's allies in the Student Activities Office may be the work of a band of revolutionaries led by an unnamed reporter rumored to be extremely mentally balanced and handsome.
Students speak of this revolution in hushed voices. According to one student who wished to remain nameless for fear of retaliation, "The issue of ROTC's return to campus is [totally unimportant compared to determining the identity of this man, truly the last hope for humanity], probably."
A friend of the student agreed, noting, "Recently, the V-Dub's dining menu [has had red font, red being the color of the blood spilled by the tyrants that waters the tree of revolution.]"
"McGann's meteoric rise is typical of any brutal dictator," opined Stan Standerson, professor of academic studies at State University. "It's a familiar pattern. One day, everything is fine, it's normal, it's as if the government has absolutely no effect on your day-to-day life.
"Then, bam," he finished. "You die."
