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Dave Thiesman '09 has scurvy.
Having exclusively dined at Shanghai three meals a day for the last four months, Thiesman's body is observably devoid of any measurable nutrient. Though his food pyramid has recently consisted primarily of crab rangoon and duck sauce, his true undoing came at dessert, where seemingly innocent fortune cookies have slowly convinced him that some malevolent Asian oracle is watching his every move.
The trend began subtly two weeks ago when Theisman noticed his lucky number matched his social security. "How coincidental," Theisman recalled thinking. At dinner the next evening, he became slightly more concerned after cracking open a cookie to find "He Who Blows Econ 11 Midterm Fails Swiftly."
Though shaken, Theisman chalked the specificity up to chance. Harder to ignore were the changes in the usually benign decorative smiley face adorning the backside of the fortune, which, over the course of two weeks, grew gin whiskers and glared at Dave with cold, dead eyes.
"It just. he just looked like he meant business. Like nothing would stop him. I opened 'Dave, Everyone Notices Bump on Bridge of Girlfriend's Nose,' 'Parents Love Sister Emily More,' and 'You Will Have Great Success. At Being Hunted Like Animal" before I started getting really conscious that something was up," he said of later
cookies.
A "real turning point" was a fortune imploring him to learn the Chinese phrase "?????????," which roughly translates to "I'd much prefer to be cremated." After receiving this, Theisman complained that many cookies seemed to have an acute awareness of his location and state of mind, leading him to wonder how long it even takes to bake a fortune cookie. Particularly troubling were fortunes warning "The Wise Man Always Checks Behind Him," which read, on the flipside, "Seriously. Dave, I'm going to kill you. You should start running right now, probably out the back entrance, because I'm coming up the front stairs and I want to give you a sporting chance."
Said Theisman, "I didn't even think that could fit on a fortune, but it turns out it can. I started running."
And run he did. Theisman contacted Providence authorities who suggested he just "eat somewhere else for a while."
The Noser tracked down Xiao Fan, the diminutive East Providence fortune writer responsible for the remarkably prescient desserts. According to Fan, "Is numbers game. Old cookie fortune very bland, very bland indeed. Now, say 'Harry: You Laughed At In Ugly-Color Ford Focus.' Now Harry very scared. Sure, Pete confuse, Pete got Dodge Neon. But Harry... Harry scared."
Well, Dave scared.
