Partly Cloudy, 64°
Initial reports inidicate that Mark Langley '12, the source of the sweaty, seemingly disembodied hand grabbing your posterior, would be captivated by your opinions about the Southern Gothic and Modernist giant William Faulkner.
Witnesses at Delta Tau have verified that Langley, who recently submitted a paper entitled "Faulkner's Women and the Struggle for Individuality" to his Comparative Literature class, danced with an astounding fourteen freshmen girls, all of whom spent less than two minutes in Langley's clutches before shuffling away without making eye contact.
Noted both for his tendency to alienate every girl he encountered with his wandering hands and for his second-semester A-minus paper "Perceptions of Necessary Prejudice in Light in August," Langley was quoted earlier Saturday telling a close friend, "While I certainly consider time and alienation to be central to Quentin Compson's suicide, I think that the character's discovery of a regional past he feels doomed to repeat personally in Absalom, Absalom ought be considered a contributor." That evening, at approximately 11:56, Langley told the same friend, "Dude, I totally almost fingerblasted this chick."
Langley, who once spent his professor's entire office hours discussing the fallacies of linear chronology, was seen on several occasions Saturday approaching a group of young females before latching onto the one he later described to a friend as "usually the drunkest." Langley was deserted by each of his fourteen interests after sliding his hand an average of seven inches above or below his lady friends' navels.
Langley, who is known for his ability to ask relevant and probing questions of his classmates, was observed asking a friend, "Why are the girls here such fucking prudes?"
Langley, whose favorite quote is, "It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work," was reported to have spent a total of five hours Saturday into Sunday running his hands along the closest black dress to his person.
Combined with his lesser, though still prolific, grab-assing at FishCo the Wednesday before, Langley spent a combined eight hours and thirty minutes groping unsuspecting members of the opposite sex.
At approximately 1:49 Sunday morning, Langley was seen to approach his twelfth target of the night, who immediately turned around and began imploring Langley to "Fuck off." The diehard fan of the man who wrote, "This occurred before it became fashionable to repair your mistakes by turning your back on them and running," then turned his back on the problematic female and shuffled through the throng swiftly.
