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The Beirut party that sophomore Adam Milton attempted to hold in his dorm room Thursday night was reportedly ruined by a suicide bomber who "just kinda bummed everyone out."
After junior Johnny Keene showed up at Milton's dorm room with powerful explosives strapped to his chest and a detonator in his hand, all the party's mildly buzzed attendees began to fear the worst. What they got, however, was far more unbearable.
"The jerk just kinda moped around, not really playing or even watching," said one sophomore. "He complained about some old girlfriend or something and brought up some sordid tale or another every time anyone tried to talk about something fun. He drank too much, threw up on the Beirut table, ruined Beirut, I mean absolutely destroyed it, which completely killed the party."
Asked about his wardrobe choice for the evening, Keene said it seemed appropriate given his emotional plight as he drifted away from consciousness of the dreariness of reality. Or some shit like that.
Perhaps not surprisingly, the self-proclaimed "poet of woe" is an MCM-English double-concentrator.
"Just from what I saw at my party, I think the MCM side lets him unleash all the pent-up bullshit he thinks everyone should know and the English side lets him express it more lyrically," Milton said. "Plus, being an English major will prepare him for the harsh reality of not being able to get a job, girlfriend, or life after college."
