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In the wake of the financial turmoil that currently plagues the US economy, the Federal Government has decided that it is time to step in and begin regulating banks.
In a recent discussion with Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke, the President decided that our nation's laissez-faire attitude is no longer appropriate and it is time for the government to begin monitoring the growing issues facing sperm banks.
Donate Your Stern Little Bears Sperm Bank was the first to receive a special visit from Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson. After promptly making his donation, the Secretary stated that he was concerned with the state of sperm banks around the nation, citing the subprime mortgage crisis, the war in Iraq, and the high levels of estrogen found in city tap water as the main blockages to the normally steady flow of sperm entering the banks.
In reaction to the sperm bank crisis, the current presidential hopefuls are each toying with different strategies to relieve the pressure. According to a Clinton insider, the Senator's immediate idea was to make a personal donation, however she was quietly informed that that would not be possible. Sources maintain that her husband is a frequent sperm donor who recognizes himself informally as "the seed spreader." Rather shockingly, however, former Clinton financial advisor Geraldine Ferraro seemed to have no trouble helping out amidst the shortage.
The Federal Government is proposing an intervention in the form of a mass donation. There will be sperm bonds issued to those who choose to donate. They will receive an undisclosed sum and a knock on the door in roughly eighteen years.
While the Government is working to deal with what they have now titled "Operation Enduring Semen," the journey is far from over for those who are tirelessly searching for sperm.
"I've been turned down from three banks, and I am really starting to lose hope," said Brown student Jan E. Cayne '10 dejectedly. In a spoken word piece about the pain she has felt throughout her experiences, Cayne said, "I feel like I am the sperm. Every time I get rejected for a loan it's another acidic vaginal cavity I just can't seem to get through. I'm looking for the egg, I'm searching, egg, where are you? Egg, where are you? These chants become my own, as I wander through the downtrodden sperm economy yelling, 'Sperm, where are you? Sperm where are you?' It's mommy, I need you, oh, do I need you."
It seems that for now the country is under a tremendous amount of pressure and the feds are certainly concerned that the current strategy may not be able to perform. However, with no viable solution coming from the presidential campaigns, and students like Cayne being rejected day after day in their quest for sperm, it seems that this crisis may be about to come to a head - the country may very well run dry. Now the burden will be on the people of America - the country needs your seeds.
