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After his favorite shirt was completely ruined last Saturday evening, Matthew Dennis '09, President of the Delta Tau fraternity, has instituted a new sippy cup policy for all parties.
"It's a real shame that we can't trust in the motor skills of our peers anymore," remarked Dennis. "But if I had one more vodka cranberry poured all over my Pumas, I swear I would have set the house on fire."
Other Delta Tau brothers have expressed similar feelings of disappointment and rampant criminality when reminded of the sticky floors and hundreds of dollars spent on Tide pens that used to plague their house prior to the sippy cup policy's introduction.
"To be honest, I wouldn't mind that much if I could get the stains out completely, but those Tide pens never get the job completely done. They always leave just the slightest hint of the stain behind but it's totally enough for people to notice the next time you wear the shirt," noted DTau Social Chair Matthew Conway '09.
The change in atmosphere at DTau parties has been truly remarkable. A number of DTau party regulars commented on the difference in noise on the dance floor between songs.
"It's truly a beautiful thing," said DTau brother Adam James '08. "The cacophony of sticky sneakers is gone and it's been replaced by a symphony of sucking and slurping. It's enough to get any frat party going."
In fact, the sippy cup policy has been so successful that the brothers of Delta Tau are set to introduce a number of new safety policies in the coming weeks to keep their parties clean, secure, and thoroughly enjoyable.
Such policies include a new, durable foam layer on the dance floor to protect especially intoxicated dancers from the potential danger of wipeouts. Additionally, condoms will now be distributed for free in all first floor bathrooms of Olney House where Delta Tau is located. Dental dams were also considered, but nobody could remember what they were used for.
According to Dennis, "thanks to our new policies, those of you who think of frat parties as nothing but sweaty, crowded, sticky affairs will be glad to know that they're now sweaty, crowded, slightly bouncy events. I think it's a big improvement."
With all these new safety measures, Delta Tau has won itself the title of most neurotic frat, stealing the honors from reigning champion Alpha Epsilon Pi.
"They'll be hearing from our lawyers," was the only comment offered by disgruntled AEPi President Joshua Lowenstein '08.
Following the wide popularity of Delta Tau's sippy cup policy, the Brown Greek Council has decided to name March "Safety Month." As part of safety month, the Sigma Chi brothers agreed to child proof their common room, the sisters of Alpha Xi Omega are offering a seminar on responsible drinking habits, and the brothers of Phi Kappa Psi have promised to stop roofie-ing Freshman girls.
After all is said and done, we can be sure that the fraternity scene is much safer now than it once was thanks to the brothers of Delta Tau. The only task that remains is finding a way to get students to return to using actual cups at Brown dining halls.
