Partly Cloudy, 64°
Representatives from Random House Inc. have announced early this morning that the publisher plans to print 500,000 copies of the much anticipated If I Did It, the hypothetical memoir of the late Crocodile Hunter's supposed killer. Attorneys for the stingray (a 20-year-old Pteromylaeus bovines, better known as the bull ray), have confirmed that a deal has been made, and that the ray is currently working on the fictional memoir in his summer vacation home in the San Diego Zoo.
As you may recall, the shark-wrestling, crocodile-tussling, cobra-brawling Steve Irwin passed away on September 4, 2006, when he was fatally pierced in the chest by a stingray-a tranquil and genial species about as dangerous as a domesticated gerbil-while snorkeling off the coast of Port Douglas in Queensland. Irwin was in the area, filming his much anticipated Discovery Channel children's special, "Harassing Animals, Australia Style." The special was supposed to air earlier this month.
The first part of the If I Did It manuscript reportedly details the ray's early relationship with the Crocodile Hunter. "[Irwin] was always poking, following, and Facebook-stalking me. It was obsessive," reads the first line. The manuscript then proceeds to meticulously describe the details of the murder, as they would have occurred had the ray committed them.
"Shit, if it were me, I'd go Jack Bauer on his ass, and go straight for the jugular. With four years of Karate, you think I'd just poke him in the heart?"
The Fox Broadcasting Company has also announced today its intention to air an exclusive television interview with the cartilaginous marine fish. Though the contents of this interview are widely unknown, The Brown Noser has obtained a snippet of the interview in which the ray's motives for writing this book are questioned.
"I was sick of celebrities like me and OJ being incriminated by phony evidence." He says, "Man for all I know, the killer could be that Nemo dude."
When later told that his exact barb was found in Irwin's chest, the barbless fish switched to a Jamaican accent (mimicking the notoriously crafty Bluespotted Stingray), and simply stated, "It wasn't me." Irwin was not available to comment.
So, what is next for the stingray, you ask? "I'm not sure," he says. "There have been a couple of movie and musical offers, even request for a self-defense instructional video, but I think I need some time to think things through and be with my family." The fish has reportedly been dating Kevin Federline for the past couple of months and is currently residing in the Georgia Aquarium.
