Partly Cloudy, 64°
Police have officially given up on their search for the kidnapper of Cassidy Mulligan '13, who has been missing since November.
Upon hearing the news, Roger Clemmings '13 resolved to take up the case. Despite the lack of evidence and dwindling hope, Clemmings expressed a grim determination to find the truth behind her disappearance.
"She's not my true love or anything, but she did agree to regular, no-strings-attached sex with me," said Clemmings. "I really shouldn't have to say anything more."
To help track down Mulligan and her kidnapper, Clemmings sought assistance from Marbles, an adorable 4-year-old basset hound who became renowned in the detective world after solving the infamous "Who's a good boy?" case back in January 2008.
"If Disney and 'Blues Clues' have taught me anything, which they have, it's that dogs make the best detectives," claimed Clemmings assuredly.
He added, "Our first meeting went really well. He seems smart, very inquisitive, not to mention optimistic that we could solve the case. At least, that's what I got from his tail wags. But there were some obvious language barriers."
However, as time passed, things did not progress as smoothly as Clemmings hoped.
"It seemed like Marbles had a few promising suspects, including an old Frisbee, a squirrel and his own butt," said Clemmings. "But they all turned out to be dead, smelly ends."
Clemmings became frustrated with his hired hand's methods. "I gave him a detailed report of everything the police knew," said Clemmings, the agitation in his voice growing more prominent, "But all he did was eat half of it and pee on the rest. And then he rolled around in it! I'm starting to worry Marbles doesn't really know what he's doing".
Fed up with Marbles' lackadaisical methods, Clemmings also sought out Sneakers, a grizzled old tabby cat, to continue the search.
"Yeah, I figured if a dog wasn't getting the job done, asking a cat is clearly the next logical option," said Clemmings.
However, Sneakers, lacking Marbles' enthusiasm for playing detective, wasted Clemmings' money on a series of catnip benders, chasing laser pointers all across town.
"Man, anthropomorphized cats are assholes," said Clemmings.
Ultimately, in a dark twist, Marbles managed to track the kidnapper back to Clemmings' own dorm room, where the paranoid schizophrenic had stored the flayed remains of Mulligan in his own mini-fridge.
Marbles growled and barked repeatedly to the police reporter, which, according to Noser analysts, roughly translated to: "When you think about it, Clemmings had a pretty skewed worldview, so I suppose this isn't that surprising. Still horrifying though. Ugh, what a scene. I was expecting Lassie, not Silence of the Lambs. Mmmmmmmm…lambs. Oh look, another squirrel!"
