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Fred Engrim '14, a student in the freshman seminar ENGL 0450B:"Oedipal Tendencies in Post-Modernism," was momentarily confused and disoriented by Professor Mark Lundquist's sudden outbreak of violent desk pounding midway through lecture last week. However, given a week to reflect upon the incident, Engrim now states that he's "like 90% sure" Professor Lundquist was, in fact, feebly trying to distract the student body at large from the sound of his own flatulence.
"It's not like he didn't warn us," Engrim said. "Before class, he entered in a huff and said, 'Children. I get the sinking feeling I'm going to be doing a whole lot of farting today. So if that happens, I want you to know, it has nothing to do with how much I love you,' which we all thought was weird and fairly inappropriate."
"Also, this was like the fifth week of classes," Engrim continued, "and Professor Lundquist had already essentially farted through every single lecture we had had up to that point. Essentially, it was entirely expected, nay, guaranteed, that another 50 minutes of consistent, unadulterated farting was on the horizon."
Another student in the class, Lisa Evers '14, picked up on the subtle hints as well. "Before he started banging on the desk," Evers said, "Professor Lundquist shouted, 'No! It's coming! I can feel it! I can feel the farts beginning!' This was followed by one audible fart, and then a 12-minute sequence of desk banging. Did he honestly assume that would work? I mean, I was fooled for about 4 minutes, but then I figured it out."
Research has shown that this is not an uncommon occurrence. Professor Lundquist's previous course offering, ENGL 0400A:"Introduction to Keats," was cancelled due to loud, ongoing, guttural shrieks. His on-campus lecture on James Joyce was also cancelled due to "a guy who swore he was not Professor Lundquist farting on stage and then leaving in tears." Professor Lundquist is still teaching his most popular course, ENGL 1180C:"Beans, Fruits, and Music: The Common Thread."
"How positive am I that the desk banging was purely to mask more farts?" Engrim asked. "Let's just say it's about as high a probability as the chance that Bowling for Soup is a band I like. And that's… that's a high probability. If you know me, you know I'm all about Bowling for Soup."
When pressed for comment, Professor Lundquist said simply, "I'm not sure where the students are getting this. Now, if you would excuse me for a second-", followed by 13 minutes of pounding the blackboard while moaning in sadness.
