Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sources indicate that in a wonderfully satisfying series of events Tuesday, Matthew Reynolds '13 punched a dolphin.
"It was terrific," commented Reynolds. "I got it square in the mouth. Or beak. Or whatever. I'm not exactly up to date on my dolphin anatomy."
According to reports, witnesses to the occurrence shared Reynolds' sentiments. "Yeah, he really stuck it to that dolphin," said Tim Berg '11. "I mean, to watch it fall to the ground. Man, that dolphin didn't know what hit him. But I do. It was that other guy."
"Have you ever heard the sound a dolphin makes when he's whacked in the face?" asked Rebecca Dires '14. "Neither had I. Priceless."
Reynolds gloriously punched the dolphin last Tuesday at noon while on his way to the Sharpe Refectory. When asked to elaborate on the event, or to explain why there was a dolphin on the Wriston Quadrangle, Reynolds commented "Nailed him!"
He proceeded to high-five everyone in the room.
"It just felt good, you know?" remembered Reynolds. "Like, if I were to describe the action itself, it'd be along those lines."
"Goodily."
Those closest to Reynolds claimed that this was not the first dolphin to be gratifyingly pummeled. Reynolds' most recent history shows a luminescent career of water-dwelling mammals masterfully put in their places. Said childhood friend Thomas Banderston, "Oh boy, Matty? I mean, how could any of us back home forget about that one time at Stinson Beach or the SeaWorld trip of 2007? Although that may have been a porpoise."
Banderston added, "No, it was a dolphin. There's no mistaking it."
Reynolds' current roommate, Michael Sterling '13, agreed, "That guy knows how to punch a dolphin."
Following this excellent, vicariously invigorating display of dolphin walloping, the question on many students' lips is what Reynolds will do next. With his reputation at an all-time high, some skeptics believe that the sophomore's path is all down hill from this point. Commented Terry Mulligan '11: "How could he possibly top punching a dolphin? By punching two dolphins? Three? Let's be realistic here. He's only one man."
Nevertheless, Reynolds remains confident and calm in the face of such criticism. "I'm not going to worry about it. Today I punch a dolphin. Tomorrow I'll punch a slightly bigger dolphin. And the next day? We'll just have to see what kind of dolphin fate brings me."
