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The majority of James Berg's '11 adult life has been plagued by a shameful, tiny attribute: his '92 sea-green Geo Metro.
Among his many ploys to draw attention away from this embarrassing secret, such as moustaches, funny hats and cleverly-shaped sideburns, Berg has mainly relied on his monstrous penis. However, even that has left much to be desired, automotively.
"It really is quite unfortunate," commented Richard Vlogger '11, friend and apartment-mate of Berg. "I mean, I doubt that thing is even big enough to fill our driveway adequately."
Above all, Berg's shortcomings have significantly affected his relationships with women. According to ex-girlfriend Kelly Miramur '11, Berg's tiny problem was the cause of their falling out. "Yeah, it really failed to get the job done, if you know what I mean."
Miramur continued, "I had this part-time job delivering newspapers. That stupid Geo could only hold, like, ten stacks."
Berg's current girlfriend, Cindy Fuller '11, also admits that the situation has led to several moments of "awkwardness."
"James showed it to me once. He insisted on turning off all the lights in the garage, though," Fuller recounted. "It felt kinda weird, too. Soft. The tire pressure must've been low or something."
Even Berg's mother, Carol Berg, has expressed pity for her son. "Poor boy. He got it from his father, you know. That man really likes Geos."
In the face of all this sympathy, Berg steadfastly defends himself. "What? I do too have a pickup truck! It's just…at the shop. Yeah. It has mechanical issues. BIG mechanical issues!"
"Anyway, it's not the size of the automobile, it's how you use it," insisted Berg.
Despite his words, however, Berg's actions nevertheless point to a lack of confidence. Reports indicate that he often refuses to park his car in public lots, aggressively citing hygiene concerns. Moreover, according to sources close to Berg, he recently dropped out of the running for a high-paying internship, even though his resume showed him to be qualified for the position.
"Oh, that?" said Berg. "I decided to drop out when I learned that Johnny Jenkins was also applying. His father owns that trucking company. He was obviously a better fit."
In order to make up for his diminutive conundrum, Berg often relies on the sheer enormity of his own penis. However, this, too, often fails to impress. Miramur commented, "Oh my god, have you seen the size of that thing? I mean, who does he think he's fooling? Buddy, we all know you have a Geo."
"And the flame decals he put on the side of it? What is this? 1976?"
However, unless Berg could somehow trade in his miniscule vehicle for a larger one, accessorizing remains his only option, especially as the biological unit's dimensions fail to impress. "Yeah, we all see right through it," admitted Fuller. "It really is girth that counts."
