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URI Student Jeremy "Ladies" Mann was dismayed to discover that his class in game theory was not, in fact, designed to teach him how to better talk to girls in a manner that would lead to sexual intercourse. After falsely assuming that the economics class was about spitting game, Mann was left confused and unsure about his future.
"When my advisor told me to take game theory, I was pretty confident about my ability to pick up chicks, but I figured I could always hone my skills," explained Mann, looking shell-shocked and depressed. "I probably should have figured it out when I told my advisor I get action on a regular basis and she merely stared at me blankly."
"Ladies" Mann was further convinced that he should take the class after witnessing a European guy smoothly catch a girl who had slipped on ice, gently bring her back to her feet, and suavely tell her to watch out. "I estimated that he was spitting game at an almost infinite rate, and that with these skills I too could seduce more girls than ever before."
Although Mann reported being slightly confused by the course's syllabus, it did not enter his mind that game theory was used to determine behavior in strategic situations. "The course book said something about the Prisoner's Dilemma," recalled Mann, shaking his head slowly. "I assumed it was about how guys in jail managed to bag ladies despite their situation."
Mann was apparently engaged by the course's focus on optimizing profits, but he soon lost interest when the professor failed to connect it to the famous "Mo' Money, Mo' Honeys" theorem. In a discussion section, Mann was similarly disappointed when there was never a chance for him to segue into his hypothesis that in his words, "You gotta get paid to get laid."
Despite these setbacks, game theory's emphasis on peace and war games delayed suspicion on Mann's part that he was not in the class he expected. "It made sense to me at the time," he said sheepishly. "I mean, if you and your friend are into the same girl, you have to decide whether or not to betray your buddy and hit on her, keeping in mind that he might do the same thing at any time." He then hung his head in shame and said, "How could I have been so stupid?"
Jeremy finally started to deduce that game theory had no relation to being a pimp during his second midterm when none of the multiple choice answers about behavior were "Tell her you have a yacht." He also received zero credit on his game theory project, which documented his attempt to bring girls back to his room using a variety of pickup lines.
Despite the class being entirely different than what Mann thought it was for almost an entire semester, he has declined to drop it. "The reason it took me so long to figure this out was that I usually just spent all of lecture talking to girls," explained Mann. "It turns out, chatting up all of those girls has led to some sweet hookups. I love game theory."
