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"How was I to know they'd make it?" Robert Stevenson '12 asked vexedly.
Every year, Brown students invite friends and acquaintances from hometowns, study abroad experiences, and long, awkward bus rides through Connecticut. Most of these invitations, though, are turned down or politely ignored. "My friends have never been good at following social conventions," admitted Stevenson. "Holding doors open, remembering to RSVP, not talking about your collection of stuffed squirrels; these are all things that come naturally to most people," Stevenson continued. "I mean, don't get me wrong, my friends are great. It's just. well, they're kind of a bunch of lunatics."
"Utter shock" is the only emotion Stevenson could feel when he opened his dorm room door to find his friends from back home, drooling and clad in torn straitjackets. "Excitement is the word, really," said Stevenson. "I didn't know what to do. I thought about calling my mother. Then I considered calling the police. Unfortunately, Paul had already eaten my phone in order to protect us from the evil alien overlord, Gulagar." In the end, Stevenson decided to blow up the air mattress.
Stevenson's friends proved to be more of a burden than anything else. The sophomore lamented that he could not experience the Spring Weekend shenanigans he had anticipated all winter. "I was really looking forward to eating some good food, smoking a bit, and maybe enjoying a few random hookups, if luck would so have it." Due to his friends, however, most of these plans could not come to fruition. "Well, Paul's afraid of sharp objects and fire, and every sexually aggressive woman reminds Drake of his mother." Stevenson laughed, "And believe me, the last thing you want to do is open that can of worms. Ha! Can of worms!"
Although Stevenson was disappointed with the weekend, his Brown friends generally liked the visitors. Roommate Dennis Manrod '12 had "a totally rad time" with Stevenson's buddies. "Yeah, man, those guys were sick. Me and Paul finger-painted until, like, five in the morning. And then, when I suggested we go to Loui's, he yelled something about the government and somersaulted out the window." Staring into the distance and letting out a contented sigh, Manrod remarked, "What an awesome dude."
Manrod's girlfriend, Caitlin Danning '12, also found herself fascinated with Stevenson's old pals. "Drake read me some of his poetry. I'll never forget the line, 'And my face was covered in menstrual blood, menstrual blood. menstrual blood.' That's some solid stuff."
When Sunday rolled around, Danning and Manrod insisted that Stevenson's two friends stay a bit longer. However, they had to leave, reasoning that "the midget in the closet will get angry". "It's probably for the best," said Stevenson. "If they had stayed the week, they would've found out I study neuroscience. Then the tin foil would have come out, and that really means the party's over."
Stevenson's visiting friends reportedly had a wonderful time while at Brown. Drake reflected, "The campus is quite lovely, especially in the spring." Paul agreed, adding, "Maybe if I wrap kielbasa around my ankles, the demons will stay away."
